Adoption gives those in crisis pregnancies an abortion alternative that saves the life of the child and relieves them of the unwanted responsibility of parenthood. Adoption also provides an opportunity for couples to have a child they might otherwise never have, and for the child to have a “forever family” that will love him or her for life.

With foster-adoption, children who have already been born — often to parents with such serious issues that the children may have been better off had the “adoption option” been chosen from the beginning — are given a second chance. Sadly, many of these children — especially those who are part of sibling group, have special needs, or are “older” (four or more) — must wait months and even years for a loving, permanent home. There are simply not enough suitable families willing to open their hearts this way.

The situation would be dire enough … Now grass roots, anti-adoption advocacy groups such as “Bastard Nation” and “Adoption: Legalized Ties” are seeking to discourage adoption, choosing rather to advocate for disgruntled adult adoptees and “natural parents,” including those whose children were taken from them because of abuse and neglect.

Anti-Adoption Advocates: Biased “Truth”

The dynamic of adoption is often described as a “triad,” with 3 sides representing the birth (or first) parents, adoptive parents, and adopted child. By and large, anti-adoption groups have vilified both adoptive parents and the agencies that mediate the placements.

Recently, however, the attack has expanded to birth parents as well: Under the “Unsealed Initiative,” adult adoptees and others are lobbying government agencies in New York and other states (successfully, in Toronto) to release sealed birth records in order to gain access to the identities of birth parents who may not desire contact, and who were promised anonymity upon relinquishment. In the minds of the adult adoptees, the “best interest of the child” trumps all — when in fact the “child” is no longer a child, but an adult whose “right to know” is no more important than the other party’s right to privacy.

This growing trend is even more alarming, given the unabashed pro-abortion stance of the Obama administration. Women in crisis pregnancies who are considering adoption may have second thoughts when faced with the very real possibility that their “past” may come knocking on their door twenty or thirty years hence, disrupting their lives with demands and recriminations. Unless the records are truly sealed with a “suite lock” — one that can be opened only by mutual consent — the real danger is that these “unwanted” children will simply be aborted.

Catholic Anti-Adoption Advocates

Recently I was appalled to discover that these “anti-adoption advocates” are making inroads even in Catholic publications. Last September the National Catholic Register ran this article (accessed through my EMN blog) by self-professed “anti-adoption advocate” Melinda Selmys, who writes about encountering teenage adoptees who were acting out — though the adoptive parents were “kind and loving people.”

Rather than consider the real possibility that the teens had been damaged by circumstances that led up to the adoption, or that adoption may indeed have been their best chance at a bright future, or that these kids were just like others teens who have difficulties making the transition into adulthood, Selmys concludes that the adoption itself was the true source of the problem. She writes:

The child … is not a tabula rasa on which anyone - parents, teachers, social workers, engineers of brave new worlds - can inscribe their glowing hopes for the future. … The child is created in the image and likeness of God, but it is also in the image and likeness of its parents. The people who hope to see evil eradicated from the world through increasing government intervention in the lives of children are going to be sorely disappointed. Children do not inherit their faults and failings merely by watching and imitating mom and dad. They inherit them on a much deeper level.

Healing the Wounded Heart

Now, much of what Ms. Selmys says sounds reasonable. Foster and adoptive parents are well aware that our children have challenges and issues originating with their “first families” — behavioral, mental, emotional, and medical among them. Sometimes it’s genetic. Other times challenges come from the child’s pre-adoptive environment, not a blank slate … a heart wounded by bad choices and negative impulses of broken people.

It is also true that no adoptive environment is “perfect” — just as no parent is perfect. Ideally, children thrive best when they are raised by their natural parents, joined for life in the sacrament of matrimony. Sadly, as a society we have fallen woefully short of this ideal, and the only question that remains is how to mitigate the damage inflicted on innocent young lives.

There are situations in which adoption is truly the best (though not perfect) choice: Children born to young teens (especially those who have neither the inner resources nor long-term support system necessary to parent); children of parents with unresolved substance abuse or domestic violence issues; and children of abusive and neglectful parents. In each of these cases, little wounded hearts heal best when they are no longer in close proximity to the source of the pain. Sadly, this can mean removing children from birth parents voluntarily or (when parents demonstrate neither the willingness nor the inclination to fix their own messes and put the children’s needs first) involuntarily.

Adoption gives children wounded by the choices of their first parents a second chance to heal. Granted, it does not completely shield the child from the consequences of her first parents’ choices. There is no way to shield the child entirely — that is the nature of sin. On the other hand, pressuring unwed teenage mothers (and other at-risk mothers) to keep their babies even when they are demonstrably not capable of parenting produces more difficulties than it resolves — down the line, when adoption is no longer a viable option.

Adoption, the “Pro-Life” Option

The sad reality is that the older the child, the smaller the pool of potential adoptive parents. In the U.S. today, more than 500,000 children are in need of temporary or permanent homes … the vast majority are part of larger sibling groups, special needs, or “older” (age four or more).

Because the pain of adoption is real, the adoption choice represents true self-sacrifice on all sides of the adoption triad: Birth parents put the best interests of the child ahead of their own needs, adoptive parents agree to invest themselves entirely in a young life they did not bring into the world. The child may also suffer in ways they cannot fully understand until they are much older — and may have difficulties accepting even then. And yet, when the choice is literally life and death, this kind of self-sacrifice is the pathway to hope … if we allow it.

Will these mothers come to regret their choice? Undoubtedly there will be times when they will wonder if they could have chosen differently. They may yearn to re-establish contact with that child — and should be able to leave the door open for this, should the child (ideally, with the blessings of the adoptive parent) seek her out. But as with many significant choices in life, once the choice is made we cannot see clearly “the road not taken”; because of the unknown variables that stem from that choice, it is illusory at best. We can only learn from our choices, and move on.

On the other hand, through adoption (even open adoption, in which the birth parents maintain a level of contact after the placement), a child is helped to make the most of their own natural giftings and eradicate the worst of their natural weaknesses. The birth parent is then able to tend to his or her needs without inflicting even greater damage on the innocent. And the adoptive parents are presented with an opportunity to invest their lives in a way that produces rich spiritual fruit in the life of parent and child alike.

In Search of the “Phantom Parent”

Books such as The Adoption Mystique, by anti-adoption advocate Joanne Wolf Small, MSW, remind us that some children never completely recover from the losses of adoption — no matter how much love and attention they are given. The sense of abandonment can run deep, and visions of “real” mom and dad can tantalize even the most outwardly accommodating child — especially those in the throes of adolescence and into young adulthood, when the natural desire to separate from Mom and Dad is most powerful, and the quest for identity strongest.

While the release of some information — such as medical histories — has objective value, and could be released without depriving the first parents of their right to privacy, it is imperative that the concerns of all three sides of the adoption triad be given equal weight. Birth parents have the right to remain anonymous (unless they choose to relinquish that right); adoptive parents have the right to raise their child without undue interference; the adopted child has the right to a safe and nurturing environment. The adult adopted child has the rights of any adult — but not access to the confidential records of other private citizens.

In the section entitled “Anti-Adoption Media Bias,” Ms. Small offers a revealing quote from “The San Francisco Examiner” (1999, February 22):

Anguish is everywhere in the adoption equation …. The birth mother … adoptive parents …. Adopted children haunted by phantom birth parents who, they may feel “abandoned” them - beings … they cannot know. Phantom limbs on the family tree (par 10).

At age eleven, my younger sister experienced phantom pains when her leg was amputated. The nerves at the amputation site, which connected the missing leg to the brain, did not immediately die. And yet, Chris did not let the amputation define her or limit her in any way, and in time these pains diminished. She became first a cheerleader, then a wife and mother. If she had chosen to concentrate on the pain — instead of healing — she would be a very different person today.

I realized just how complete the healing had been when, a few years ago, an over-zealous “street healer” offered to pray for her leg to grow back and she refused. “When I get to heaven, I’m going to get my leg back — and you better believe I’m looking forward to that. But right now, for whatever reason, this is God’s plan for me, and I’m going to accept it. I’m not going to feel sorry for myself — I’m going to live.”

Wise words that can be applied to many situations — including adoption. The “phantom pain” of adoption must be acknowledged — and yet, reunification may not always be possible or even desirable. The adopted child must recognize the reality of the adoption triad; each part of the triangle of birth parent/adoptive parent/adopted child has both rights and responsibilities, some of which cannot be assumed by the child until he or she becomes an adult.

It is in adulthood that many children — adopted and biological alike — discover something essential to their future happiness: Some things in life are chosen for us by the adults in our lives, based on the information at hand, which have both positive and negative repercussions. If we continue to blame our parents for those choices, we remain in a state of “arrested adolescence” and keep ourselves from realizing our God-given potential. This is true of adult children of adoption — and of many other children, too.

We cannot change history; we can only acknowledge and learn from it, grieve our losses, forgive those who have hurt us … and move forward. The loss adopted children experience is real — just as my sister’s loss was real. She had to work through those feelings; the loss was necessary if she was to survive. This is the story of adoption: a story of painful choices made in the present, in order to secure a better — and a living — future.

If this movie had been pure fiction, in one sense the marriage between this “confirmed old bachelor” and the divorced, critically ill expatriate would seem a bit… convenient. She had young children (only Douglas is mentioned in the movie), and her body was riddled with cancer. For Joy, returning to the States was not an option. But life is often stranger than fiction, and anyone familiar with the writings of Lewis, including both Surprised by Joy and A Grief Observed, can see that this was no “marriage of convenience,” but a true joining of hearts. In the latter work, Lewis observed:

One thing marriage has done for me. I can never again believe that religion is manufactured out of our unconscious, starved desires and is a substitute for sex. For those few years [Joy] and I feasted on love, every mode of it — solemn and merry, romantic and realistic, sometimes as dramatic as a thunderstorm, sometimes as comfortable and unemphatic as putting on your soft slippers. No cranny of heart or body remained unsatisfied. If God were a substitute for love, we ought to have lost all interest in Him… We both knew we wanted something besides one another — quite a different kind of something, a quite different kind of want. You might as well say that when lovers have one another they will never want to read, or eat — or breathe.

Tending to Our Soulish Needs

Though he helped to pave the way for some of the rest of us (myself included), C.S. Lewis never made the final leap “home to Rome”. And yet, this quote — an eloquent tribute to the spiritual intimacy God wants with us — speaks to the heart of the sacramental life, which is also reflected in the second reading from this past week (Philippians 2:1-5):

“…complete my joy by being of the same mind, with the same love, united in heart, thinking one thing. Do nothing out of selfishness or out of vainglory; rather, humbly regard others as more important than yourselves, each looking out not for his own interests, but also for those of others. Have in you the same attitude that is also in Christ Jesus…”

This passage goes on to describe all the things Christ did on our behalf — physical manifestations of a divine love so complete, so overwhelming that it conquered death itself. Not a 50-50 kind of love, not a “keeping up with the Joneses” enterprise. This ultimate self-sacrifice was born of perfect love and calls for a response of equally momentous proportions, a response of true humility and reverence, and of total self-giving, body and soul.

When we approach Our Lord at Mass, especially in the Eucharist, we feast on love with all the gratitude of one who does indeed (in the words of St. Paul) “regard others as more important,” and yet who (in the words of Lewis) wants “something besides one another.” Only when both these conditions are met can our souls be satisfied.

It can be difficult to strike a balance. When we judge harshly the actions and motives of those around us, we fail to tend to our own souls with humility. By the same token, if our choices about where and even whether to worship are determined solely by the “feelings” our surroundings engender, we cannot hear the still, small voice of God. We may kneel deeply, or bow profoundly. But reverent we are not.

As in a good marriage, reverent worship is an exterior expression of an interior commitment, a desire to know and be known — in another word, intimacy. When we approach Our Lord in the Eucharist in this way, “with the same love, united in heart … humbly regarding others as more important,” even the hungriest soul may be satisfied.

This mother, who had two biological children and who suffered from depression, dropped little Nicoli on his head, and he died of a skull fracture. Additional details may be found here: http://www.iht.com/articles/ap/2008/03/14/america/NA-GEN-US-Adoptive-Parents-Charged.php.

When the Bow Breaks…

When I read this story, it breaks my heart. Little Nicoli deserved to grow up in a safe and loving home; so do his siblings. Clearly, this mother was struggling to maintain mental health when the two boys were placed with the family; it is tragic that (for whatever reason) she was not dissuaded from taking on more than she could handle.

In a sense, people are a bit like machines: If the demands consistently exceed system limitations, something is going to break down.

And something did.

Last week on Catholic Exchange, a woman commented that she had attempted to become licensed in the state of New Jersey as a foster mother, but was denied because she has a history of depression. Now, there are times when the symptoms of chronic depression can be managed, so the patient can lead a normal life. Shortly after we got our kids, I went on medication to help fight symptoms of depression — and in my case, as I came to terms with the root causes, the problem went away.

My depression was caused by a combination of heredity, stress and resentment. I was overwhelmed by the demands of parenting three traumatized children, and angry that I was not getting more help from those around me. Anxiety increased as we were kept in limbo for three years before the adoption was finalized. But in the end I had to release my anger, which was depleting my energy stores, and take better care of myself — and that included managing my own expectations.

Even mothers who are not clinically depressed sometimes feel overwhelmed with the challenges of parenting. This article  (http://adoption.about.com/od/parenting/a/avoidabuse.htm?nl=1 ) offers practical advice on finding the release valve to cope with even the ordinary stressors of parenting.

Heeding the Signs of Chronic Depression

Should those who suffer from depression avoid becoming adoptive or foster parents? It depends a great deal on the individual. Not all depression is readily treated, and some suffer with depression all their lives. When one spouse has a history of depression, a couple is wise to seek help in discerning whether foster care or adoption is something God is asking them to do. Ideally, the decision process should include both the depressed patient’s doctor and pastor. While there are many children in need of homes, it is also true that our first responsibility needs to be our own “garden.”

When God creates us, He gives us certain gifts … and He entrusts to us certain burdens, which are intended to stretch us and strengthen us, making us fit for heaven. If we take up someone else’s burden, a burden God never intended us to bear, we may break. In my case, God had wanted me to take care of those children — but He never intended me to carry around the anger and anxiety. Only when I offered those back to Him, as best as I was able, did the burden lift.

If your determination to become a parent causes you to run ahead of God, and take on burdens that were not intended for you, you may also find yourself struggling. At such times, we may find help in the words of the old hymn…

What a friend we have in Jesus
All our sins and griefs to bear
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!

Oh, what peace we often forfeit
Oh, what needless pain we bear.
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer.

Today, please pray with me for Kimberly Emelyantsev and her family, and for the repose of the soul of little Nicoli. May his parents find peace, and may their children always know the loving security of a real family.

In reality, no hand from heaven came down to deliver a special invitation to us. No angel materialized on our doorstep, kids in tow. Instead, God used our natural desires to have a family; a series of doors presented themselves to us, which we tested one at a time until we found the one that had our children behind it.

Door One: Acknowledge Any Grief and Fear

From the beginning, we knew that it would be highly unlikely that the ordinary path to parenthood was in store for us. A fertility specialist confirmed that my medical history and our ages made it unlikely that we would conceive without assistance. And yet, we were sure of two things: (1) If God wanted us to become parents, it would happen in His way, in His time; (2) We refused to let infertility wreak havoc on our marriage, as it had preoccupied and even destroyed the marriages of other couples we knew. We remained open and trusting, simply taking life one day at a time.

I was very fortunate in that Craig and I always seemed to be on the same page where these decisions were concerned. I knew couples where one — usually the woman — longs to enlarge their family, while the other is content just as things are. One is eager to adopt … while the other holds back because of the expense, or the inconvenience, or out of fear of what adding an “unknown quantity” might do to the existing family dynamic.

Door Two: Gather Information

In situations like this, it’s important to arrive at a mutual decision based not on fears, but facts. Talk with other adoptive and foster parents to find out the names of reputable agencies in your area — then go to an information meeting or two. Online sources are also available; websites like adoption.com or tools like the “Adoption Guide Planner” (http://www.theadoptionguide.com/tools/planner/matrix) can help you decide which kind of adoption or foster plan is best suited to your family situation.

Adoption need not be expensive, especially if you consider foster care or foster-adoption. You do not even need to own your own home, and a wide variety of resources are available to assist couples with more heart than money. In the state of Michigan, for example, children adopted out of the foster care system continue to receive the monthly subsidy and medical insurance benefits that they received while they were wards of the state; they are also eligible for a variety of benefits ranging from free hot lunches to free college tuition.

Neither is the age of a couple necessarily a barrier. Remember that no two children are the same or do they have the same level of need. Couples who feel too old to do the “diaper brigade” may be a godsend for a grade-school child or teenager whose opportunities for a real home diminish with each passing year. Those who long for a baby — but who are willing to open their hearts a little wider, to include the infant’s older brothers or sisters — can find the blessings multiply with the challenges. In many cases, families willing to consider a child with special needs (both temporary, due to trauma, and long-term due to physical and developmental needs) or a biracial child often discover that love comes in all shapes, sizes and colors.

Door Three: Prepare Yourself

So what do you need to be a good foster or adoptive parent?

• Patience. Whether dealing with bureaucratic red tape, a toddler who hides food in the closet, or a boy-crazy teen, you will have ample opportunity to practice virtue.
• Support. Even experienced parents will quickly discover that adoption and foster care is an “extended family affair.” When extended family lives too far away to be of practical assistance, it becomes that much more important to cultivate a support network — even if you have to pay for it temporarily. (In the beginning, a large chunk of our subsidy checks were spent on babysitters and housekeepers.)
• Faith. Adoptive and foster parenting is not for wimps, or for those with an over-inflated sense of self-reliance. Extraordinary parenting (investing yourself in the life of a child you did not bring into the world yourself) requires spiritual strength, cultivated through prayer and the sacraments.
• Time. A child who comes to you through adoption and foster care will often require special attention, especially in the first months that he or she joins the family. Especially for the first six months or so, the child needs one primary caregiver to assist with the bonding process. Depending on how he came to you, he may also have physical and emotional problems that may not immediately present themselves. Remember … parenting is a marathon, not a sprint!

Door Four: Make a Choice

As you gather the information you need, continue to ask the Holy Spirit to make your way clear to you. Remember that while God calls us to take up certain challenges in life, ultimately the choice is ours to make. Adoption and foster care are adventures for the whole family … and yet, timing is very important. For example, you may decide to postpone adding to your family until your youngest child is in school, or even wait until all your children are fully grown. Or you may decide that a younger sibling is just what you and your children need to grow in virtue!

If, after gathering the information you need to make your decision together, you conclude that adoption and foster care are not appropriate at that time, there are other ways to make a difference in the life of a child. You can volunteer as a tutor or mentor through your local school or “Big Brother/Big Sister” program. Become a CASA volunteer, who befriends and advocates for foster children currently in the system. Volunteer as a respite worker for foster or single parents. Host a fundraiser to assist families from your church who are pursuing international adoption, or organize a toy drive for your local foster agency or children’s home. Befriend a family with special needs children, and offer them practical support — even sitting with the child while they go to Mass for an hour of uninterrupted prayer.

If you have a heart for kids … there are always children who need you!

Today at my workout, the women were discussing daughters-in-law. One in particular was unhappy with her son’s wife; she claimed that she had “done everything” to mend fences between the two of them. “I have a Masters in Social Work,” she lamented. “And yet, I can’t get this girl to like me.” This was a terrific disappointment to her, since she had been eagerly looking forward to having a girl in the family after raising four sons.

Hoping to add another perspective, I shared how difficult it had been for me to build relationships with various family members related by marriage. Part of it was my fault. In my own mind I had high expectations for those new relationships: easy familiarity, casual dinners, decorating tips, and periodic sleepover invitations for the grandkids. The reality was much different. For example, at 83, Craig’s parents still work full-time, and spend winters in Florida — with very little energy left for my high-energy tykes. I explained to the Curves girls, “I finally had to accept the situation as it was, and find things to appreciate about his family as they were.”

After I finished my circuit, I took the unhappy woman aside and asked her if she had any idea how the relationship between her DIL (and the girl’s parents) had gone off-track. A long rationalization followed — how she was always direct and her son’s wife only said what she wanted to hear, how her other daughters-in-law all sided with her, how unhappy her son was, yadda-yadda-yadda. Finally, the real issue came out: The girl and her parents had asked the groom’s family to contribute toward the wedding, and when refused interpreted this as a sign they were against the wedding.

Mrs. MIL admitted that the two families had been very close before all this happened. So I suggested an olive branch. “Have you considered apologizing for the inadvertent offense, and offering a token amount to mend fences with her parents?”

“Of course not! I’m not going to buy them off!”

“Some might see a token good-will gesture as an indication that you cared more about the relationship than about the money.” She said nothing to this, and I tried a different approach. “Your son’s wife sounds a bit insecure. Have you thought about inviting her to spend time with you alone, perhaps asking her to help you with something? She may be intimidated by your plain-speaking approach, and letting yourself be vulnerable in this way might have long-term benefits.”

The woman had a dozen reasons why this wouldn’t work, and repeated over and over how she had tried “everything” without success. (Although she admitted she only invited the daughter over when the son was already coming to the house.)

It was abundantly clear that she didn’t really want the relationship to get better … she just wanted to be “right” — or, more specifically, to portray herself as the “wronged” party.

When relationships are strained — whether between family or friends, co-workers or neighbors — the temptation can be to bolster our own sense of “rightness” by getting those on the sidelines to take our side against our opponent’s. The thing is, this approach doesn’t resolve the issue; it merely widens the breach. Only when we are willing to “own” with humility our own part in the conflict, however small, can the healing begin.

When we reach an impasse, how much better it can be if we follow three simple steps:

• Forgive. If we’ve been offended, we need to admit our feelings to God and verbalize our need to forgive that person (even if we don’t feel like forgiving him or her). If the offense is so egregious that no further contact is desirable or wise, asking God to give you the grace to want to forgive may be an important initial step in the process.

If we’ve been the offender, we must acknowledge before God — ideally in the Sacrament of Reconciliation — our need to make things right. Then, as far as possible, do it.

• Free. Liberation takes two forms, and can be compared with cleaning out a wound so infection doesn’t set in. First, we ask Jesus to release us from the bonds of resentment and anger, and to release the other person as well from anything in the past that keeps him or her from taking responsibility for his or her actions. The blood of Jesus is a powerful antidote to the wiles of the devil.

It’s also important to “liberate” people from our own unreasonable expectations by distinguishing carefully between genuine moral issues and issues of preference. For example, by releasing my husband’s parents from my personal, arbitrary standards of what in-laws should be like, I became free to cultivate a relationship based on mutual acceptance and even genuine affection.

Of course, there are one or two (on both sides) whose company I don’t seek out. But by releasing them from further judgment, I find family dinners much more pleasant.

• Fix. Finally, ask Jesus to “bind up” the wound that the broken relationship has produced in your life. Ask Him to bring healing to the other person as well. This is especially important when the other person deflects or denies the breach, or when the underlying issues are too volatile for a civil discussion. The Holy Spirit can work powerfully in the lives of others when we give them a bit of prayerful space.

These three steps can go a long way to reach and maintain “spiritual fitness” in our relationships with others. If you have a particularly challenging family relationship, I highly recommend Greg and Lisa Popcak’s God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts!

Recently we read at Mass, “The gifts and the call of God are irrevocable…” (Rom 11:29). The gifts of the Holy Spirit enable us to cast aside vice and cultivate virtue, growing in perfection until we can be perfectly transformed in heaven. In this particular passage in Romans, the gifts and calling of which the Apostle speaks refers to God’s plan to redeem the human race - first through His covenant with Israel, then expanding to the Gentile world when the vast majority of Israelites did not recognize their Messiah when at last He showed His face.

And yet, this passage could also be applied to family life. Women by our very nature are called to motherhood — whether biological or spiritual, called to carry and nurture new life. Our children are true “gifts,” the fruit of total self-giving and active cooperation with the calling of God upon our lives. By conceiving children in the womb, we become co-creators with God as we bring forth life as an expression of married love.

Redemptive Longing

So then, what is a couple to do when, after giving of themselves as generously and totally as they know how, they still do not conceive?

For some of us, this sorrowful longing presents an opportunity for penance, whether for our own sexual indiscretions or selfish choices — or on behalf of others, who sinned against God and against us. The bodily scars that prevent us from bearing children are a pale reflection of scars our Savior bore in His Passion.

For others, grief at being unable to conceive gives rise to an extraordinary calling of a different kind, an opportunity to cooperate with God’s plan of redemption in the life of some other person, especially a child who might otherwise never have a family.

In all cases, this kind of emptiness presents a consummate opportunity to trust. To have faith that God does not break our hearts out of spite or vindictiveness, but loves us and works only for our good. To hope in the power of God to bring life out of death, and good out of evil. Above all, to love … striving to remain open toward God and all those He puts in our path.

“Love Does Not Demand …”

In his first letter to the Corinthians, the Apostle Paul reminds us of the true meaning of love in a passage many can clearly remember from our own weddings:

“…[Love] does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:6-7).

This passage offers real protection from the temptation to run ahead of God in our eagerness to secure the blessings of family life. Love does not seek its own interests … but trusts in the wisdom of Mother Church. Love does not bemoan past injuries or injustices, but remains open to the possibility of grace. Above all, love endures, confident in the law of love that is higher and purer and stronger than we are ourselves.

And so, when the Church says that assisted reproductive techniques such as IVF and surrogacy do not uphold the dignity of a child, or protect his right to be conceived in the loving embrace of his parents who have been joined for life in the holy sacrament of matrimony, we can trust that this boundary is for our protection.

• It protects the lives of children, and prevents their abandonment in IVF labs and storage tanks.
• It protects couples that would otherwise sacrifice everything — financially, physically, emotionally, even with regard to marital privileges — to “achieve” pregnancy.
• It protects women. When we are in anguish, struggling to understand and accept the realities of our situation, the wisdom of Mother Church casts a light of peace and justice upon our path.

It is not always easy to accept our human limitations. We want to feel in control, in charge, invincible. We want to believe that if we just pray long enough and try hard enough … if we just do our part, God will bless us with our heart’s desire.

In this, the Book of Sirach offers these words of caution:

Rely not on your wealth; say not: “I have the power.” Rely not on your strength in following the desires of your heart (Sir 5:1).

When all is said and done, what is most important is not our own desires, but God’s desires for us. Our first calling is not “parent,” but “child” … a most beloved child of God, created in love and adopted by grace.

Men rightly observe that a conjugal act imposed on one’s partner without regard to his or her condition or personal and reasonable wishes in the matter, is no true act of love, and therefore offends the moral order in its particular application to the intimate relationship of husband and wife — Humane Vitae #13.

The other day as I was watching Shadowlands, the love story of C.S. Lewis and his wife Joy Davidson, I was struck by the hospital scene in which Lewis marries Joy, who was fast losing her battle with cancer.

Sitting together on the bed, Joy promises to “love, honor, and obey…” and Lewis vows, “With this ring, I thee wed; with my body, I thee worship…”

Perhaps at no other time have I been so struck by the fact that the sacrament of matrimony in a very real way mirrors — was always intended to reflect, in fact — the union of love that is the very nature of God, as well as the love of Christ and His Bride, the Church.

At that moment in the movie, the meaning of “worship” is distilled with uncommon clarity. “With my body, I thee worship” does not mean, “I will give myself to you because it feels good.” It does not even mean, “I will make you feel as good as can, for as long as I can.”

No, it goes much deeper than that. At the moment he professed his vows, Lewis must have understood that chances were excellent that (due to his wife’s rapidly deteriorating health) they would never consummate their union. Rather, he was consigning himself to a lifetime of suffering alongside his wife, taking her burden as his own. He would take her into his home. Raise her son. And when the time came, he would entrust her back to God having loved her courageously, knowing from the start that it would likely hurt like hell.

And yet, he chose to love … knowing that love is the only thing in this world stronger than death, stronger than hell itself. And in making that choice, C.S. Lewis discovered what it was to be fully human, and learned through experience what up to that time he had known only in theory: the endlessly compassionate and inscrutible love of God. It is a love that does not spare us suffering, but walks alongside us all the way.

What Is Worship?

For many Christians, this image of worship as sacrificial self-giving too often stops at the church door. Too often “worship” is comprised of songs I like, people I want to be with (most of whom are a lot like me), and the particular spin on the Scriptures that makes me feel good (or at least doesn’t demand too much from me). To worship is to go away “feeling fed.” And if I don’t “experience God” in one church, I’ll either move on to the next church or stop going altogether.

And so they walk away from the sacraments because they don’t “feel” anything, feeding their passions rather than their souls. And the angels weep.

We see it in marriages, too. “With my body, I thee worship” is taken to mean “I’ll make you feel good as long as you appeal to me, and as long as it makes me feel good, too.” No wonder the divorce rates are so high! Women can no longer bring themselves to “submit” … and men have forgotten what it is to “worship.”

I do not say these things lightly. Right now I am struggling to know how to help a friend whose husband is clearly mentally ill. He is hurting her, and hurting their children as well. She was never far from my thoughts as I watched Shadowlands, and saw with fresh clarity the pain that is the “shadow” of love. She is suffering … just as my friend’s grieving husband is suffering. Love does not always feel good … and yet, we are called to love nevertheless. Called to give. Called to hope.

We are called to worship.

At one point on the trip, Sarah gave me a brilliant tip from Dr. Ray Guarendi. When the bickering became insufferable, she made my son and daughter join hands and simply look at each other. For five minutes. When they started squirming or talking, she made them start over. Five more minutes. It took twenty minutes, but in the end it worked. My kids needed to be reminded that they loved one another… that they needed to be kind to one another. From that point on, I had only to threaten them with handholding, and the bickering evaporated like a puddle on a sunny day.

Saturday evening we rushed to rendezvous with a group of CE and Canticle writers at an Italian restaurant near the convention center. We managed to snag a group of tables in a side room, and let the girls squeal and frolic with greater abandon than the other patrons might have preferred… but it was a small price to pay for dinner with friends.

A few tables over, another group of conference participants were discussing a recent message from the Holy Father, who urged Catholics to work together in our common work of evangelization. “Why don’t more Catholic groups do that?” one person exclaimed. “We do… all the time!” another pointed out. She was right, of course. Catholic Exchange, for example, regularly promotes a variety of ministries and apostolates as partners in evangelization. I recently encountered another great example of this kind of spiritual partnership when Faith and Family ran an article about Women of Grace®, which produces Canticle magazine. At a time when many magazine publishers are finding it increasingly difficult to stay afloat, I was touched by their generosity in running even a short piece about the “competition.”

Similarly, both Canticle magazine and Women of Grace/LHLA® regularly provide opportunities for other ministries and apostolates to share their message. Recent examples include Michaelene Fredenburg, founder of Abortion Changes You and Lynn Cassella-Kapusinski, founder of Faith Journeys Foundation.

Unfortunately, this kind of “co-laboring” is not always practiced. Consumer resources, both in terms of time and money, are limited, and many worthwhile ministries are struggling just to survive. With the constant barrage of media, old and new - blogs and podcasts and e-zines, radio and television programming and publishing in all its forms - people must often make hard decisions about how to spend their discretionary time and income. In a virtual world where “content is king,” orthodoxy alone is not a high enough standard of communication. The message must also be engaging and personally relevant in order to attract and grow an audience. Consequently, those who are first and/or best at filling a particular niche do well… while others may go by the wayside.

Happily, a solution does exist: While the “pool” of articulate, technologically savvy Catholics has been somewhat saturated, other audiences exist if we are willing to do what is necessary to reach outside the existing “market.” We need to bring the message of the love and mercy of God to those who have forgotten it… and to those who never heard it in the first place.

How? Like the two girls in the back seat, we first need to stop picking on our brothers and unite against a common enemy. Instead of endlessly debating fine points of the liturgy — extraordinary vs. ordinary rite, receiving on the hand vs. tongue, covered vs. uncovered heads — we need to receive the Eucharistic graces with a humble, reverent hearts and share them with the world that is starving and blind, in a language they can understand.

My brothers and sisters, the enemy is real… and he is only too happy to see us turn on each another, knowing that this is the best way to distract ourselves from the real work at hand. But how great is the joy of our Father when He sees us working and playing side by side, forgiving and loving each other. After all, this is how Our Lord said that the world would know we belong to Him: “If you have love one for another” (John 13:35).

Now, I’m not suggesting that all of us join a big, happy handholding circle (especially since hand-holding can be such a loaded issue in some camps…). What I’m suggesting is that we need to practice approaching each other with grace rather than suspicion, mercy instead of criticism. Whenever correction is needed, we must first pray for humility, and the ability to approach the other person as a brother, instead of the enemy.

This is easier said than done. I confess that there are one or two individuals I struggle not to judge, not to begrudge their success. Like most people, these individuals have certain weaknesses and chinks in their armor… and yet, the last time I checked, the Lord does not choose only perfect specimens to do His bidding. Thank God.

So, I’d like to invite you to do something with me. This week, pick one person you find impossible to like. The neighbor whose dog keeps messing your lawn. The brother-in-law who keeps messing up your family dinners. The brother or sister who is far less likeable in real life than the public persona he or she projects. If you can’t narrow it down to one, pick two.

Now comes the hard part. Tape that person’s name to your bathroom mirror, computer screen, kitchen sink, or some other place you will see regularly. And every time your eyes fall on that piece of paper, ask God to bless that person. If you need reinforcements, ask Mary to pray for you, too. Then, at the end of the week, go to confession and hand that slip of paper to your priest when you make your confession.

Every time you find yourself getting riled up by something this person says, does, or is, stop. Remember how it felt to look into that priest’s eyes, and to give him that paper. Remember how many other things you confessed that day, and how often you need forgiveness extended to you. Then say another prayer of blessing. So that one day when you get to heaven, you’ll be able to hold that person’s hand with nothing but gratitude.

At this conference I was reminded of the fact that, just as all women are called to express their “feminine genius” through motherhood — be it biological, adoptive or foster, or spiritual motherhood — men are called to a particular kind of fatherhood. Some, like my father, fulfill that calling with an extraordinary level of self-donation to a small group of people. Others, such as the priests who oversaw my spiritual formation when I was a new Catholic, give of themselves in a way that is broader… but no less extraordinary.

National Fellowship of Catholic Men: Ordinary Men, Extraordinary Faith

I’m delighted to report that the “faith of our fathers” is alive and well. More than 1600 men gathered to pray and sing, led by Paco Gavrilides, the Executive Director of Evangelism for the Archdiocese of Detroit. Speakers included NFL Hall of Fame cornerback Richard Lane (Qorban Ministries), Michael Timmis (Prison Fellowship Ministries), True Knights founder Ken Henderson, and actor and playwright Leonardo Defilippis. Long lines formed for reconciliation after a message by Father John Riccardo.

Fr. Riccardo spoke of a dream he’d had in which he walked with Jesus through a museum that contained vivid images of all the shameful and degrading moments of his life. One by one, the Lord stood beside each image, silently regarding it with a humiliated John before turning and saying, “It is precisely for this that I died.” Then the Lord washed each image clean with His blood.

“When we decide to follow Jesus as Lord,” observed Father Riccardo, “we need to make a break from our past. Many of us straddle the fence… I did that for years. When it was convenient for me, I had my faith. When it wasn’t convenient, I hid my faith under a basket. But real faith doesn’t work that way…. Come to Jesus in the sacrament of reconciliation. Bring it all under the nozzle of that stream of grace.”

Husbands and Wives Together: The “Unity of Two”

For me, the highlight of the conference was meeting Donna Lane, co-founder with her husband Richard of Qorban Ministries. Donna Lane is a survivor. Her daughter was just 20 months old when Donna’s first husband and forty other soldiers went MIA during the Vietnam War when their plane fell into the Sea of Japan. Only two bodies were ever recovered. “I never had any part of him to bury,” Donna said sadly. And yet she never lost hope. “Everything that happened to me in that twenty-eight years [between her first husband’s death and meeting Richard] was preparation for what was to come next.”

Donna became a licensed foster parent in the city of Detroit, and over time took eight children into her home. As the years passed, she began to long for adult companionship. Her prayers were answered one day when a charismatic young man walked into her RCIA class. “He had such a presence… but he was just a baby,” she smiles. Richard Lane fell in love with the Church… and married his teacher. Together they worked to meet the needs of the poor and marginalized within the St. Louis area.

As I listened to the various speakers lead participants to consider how they wanted to “push out into the deep” and devote themselves wholeheartedly to Christ and His Church, I was impressed by the practical juxtaposition of service and prayer — “Ora et labora,” as St. Benedict instructed his followers. Because God created us as body-soul composites, all of us need to feed both body and soul if we are to remain strong. This often comes more naturally to women than to men, which is why these kinds of retreat experiences for men are so important.

Many Catholic men give of themselves generously to their families and to the Church — both financially and in service, often through fraternal organizations such as the Knights of Columbus. The National Fellowship of Catholic Men contributes an important devotional component, to help our husbands and sons grow spiritually strong as they worship God together. For more information about the NFCM, go to www.catholicmensresources.org.

Heidi Hess Saxton is editor of Canticle magazine and author of Behold Your Mother: Mary Stories and Reflections from a Catholic Convert. Her husband Craig, who attended the conference, recently joined the Knights of Columbus.

This time, the subject was Catholicism … my practice of it, to be precise. I’ve had six years of intensive formal faith formation … but because in her mind I’ve rejected everything she taught me, she can only conclude I’ve been “brainwashed.” She accused me of considering her a pagan going to hell because she’s not Catholic (where she got that, I have no idea). Yet she clearly believes that the only reason I have any chance at heaven at all is because at one point in my childhood I prayed the “sinner’s prayer.” Not because I’m a Catholic Christian … but despite it.

*Sigh* “I never said you were a pagan, Mom. I never even thought it.”

“You say it all the time, with your actions! You wouldn’t even go to church with us at Easter!”

And there it was. For her, the fact that I won’t take my kids to their church when we visit them, or at the very least insist on finding a Catholic service that we can attend in addition to theirs, is proof positive to them that we consider ourselves better Christians than they are.

“It’s not that we’re better Christians, Mom. It’s that I need all the help I can get to stay spiritually strong … and the Catholic Church is the only place I can receive the Eucharist. It’s the only place I can be part of the one, holy, Catholic, and apostolic Church founded by Christ.”

She rolled her eyes. “By what you do, you are teaching your children that Grandma and Grandpa aren’t real Christians.”

“Actually … by not taking them to your church, especially when you have a communion service, I avoid having them asking questions about why you aren’t Catholic. They notice stuff, Mom. They see that you don’t make the sign of the cross when we say grace. They wonder why you aren’t as excited as we are about Christopher receiving the Body and Blood of Christ. They want to know why Jesus isn’t present in the tabernacle at your church, as He is at our church. They notice everything. I tell them that you are Christians, but not Catholic Christians, and we pray for the time when we can all go to church together … in the Catholic Church.”

“So you DO think you’re better Christians than your father and me.”

“Not better Christians … just Christians who have access to graces that right now you do not. I’d be so happy if one day you would look more into the history of the sacraments, and let yourself consider what Jesus meant when He said, ‘Unless you eat my flesh and drink my blood, you have no life within you.’ I know how much the sacraments have changed my life … and I think they would bless you, too.”

“I don’t need sacraments. I have my faith. I can read the Bible for myself. I didn’t raise you this way … and I’ll never understand why you felt the need to forsake your spiritual roots.”

A light hit. “Mom, how did Grandma feel when you decided to stop going to the church you were raised in?”

“It’s not the same. I didn’t have a personal relationship with God until I was in my thirties. I was baptized in Grandma’s church, but I didn’t know God.”

“I met God in a profoundly personal way in my thirties, too … through the Church. I came to know my brothers and sisters in faith — all the saints in heaven. I came to understand that I have a spiritual mother who loves me and prays for me in heaven, just as you do here on earth.” (I knew I was treading dangerous waters here, since Mom has told me how hurtful it is that I consider Mary my mother.) “And just like you, Mom … I’m trying to raise my children to love God and serve Him with everything they have. That, I got from you.”

She sniffed, considering this. “I do get a kick out of watching you lead VBS and doing all the arts and crafts I used to do when you were little.”

“You were a great Sunday school teacher. You understood how important it is to be consistent with kids, to keep things simple and straightforward until they get older and can handle more complex issues. You brought us to church every Sunday, because Sunday is God’s day.

“And that is what I’m doing with my kids, too. We go to church … to our church … because that is the faith we are practicing. We go to that church because, as Catholics, we are obligated to go … and, because I want to be there. It’s not that I don’t want to be with you during that hour. It’s that I have a higher responsibility, one that I take very seriously.
Mom, I want you to know that I understand that you don’t feel entirely comfortable at Mass, and that if you decide to go to your old church when you’re visiting us, I won’t be at all offended. If it means that much to you, I’m even willing to go with you to your church, by myself, on a Sunday when your church isn’t serving communion … so long as you don’t give me a hard time about going to a second service to fulfill my obligation to God.”

This was how the conversation ended. It’s not ideal, when issues of faith divide families. God intended religion to unite people, to draw them closer together as they approach transcendent reality together, on their knees. And I suppose if we were all completely rational about it, and worked hard to understand each other’s sensitivities and needs, the differences wouldn’t hurt so much.

As it is, I could relate to what Moses said to God:

Then he said, “If I find favor with you, O Lord, do come along in our company. This is indeed a stiff-necked people; yet pardon our wickedness and sins, and receive us as your own” (Exodus 34:8-9).

“Oh, Lord … come along in our company. Even when at times that company is divided. Even at times when we can’t understand each other. Even when at times we find it impossible to get past certain hurts, certain realities, certain conflicts. There comes a time when we have to make allowances whenever possible for the feelings of others … but we cannot allow those feelings to deter us from doing what is right. And so, today I’d like to offer this prayer for those of us who have family on the other side of the Tiber … close enough that we can see their tears through our own.