Humans are drawn to beauty. We seek beauty in nature, art and pretty much everything else; that is just how God made us. Many of the saints have said that man's desire for beauty is a reflection of our higher nature that seeks God, as the creation is a reflection of its creator. To get back down to earth though, no man has ever gazed at a woman across a crowded room and exclaimed, "Wow, she has a great personality!"

Researchers have found that babies respond more positively to attractive people (Langlois et al., 1987). Babies haven't been enculturated to learn what our popular culture considers attractive, but they still respond to beauty. Folk takes show us that long before television and magazines began to shape our social consciousness, beautiful women were associated with goodness and other positive attributes, while the villains were ugly old witches. Even the Bible tells the story of Esther, the beautiful Hebrew woman who was so desired by the King of Persia, that she was able to save her people solely on the merits of her physical attractiveness.

A recent study found that physical beauty is the highest priority for men in choosing a mate (Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences by Peter Todd, of Indiana University, Lars Penke, of Humboldt University, Berlin, Barbara Fasolo, of the London School of Economics, and Alison Lenton, of the University of Edinburgh - 2007). Before you women reply with the typical "Lifetime Television" response condemning men as being shallow, consider this: the same study found that women placed physical attraction second only to how much money a man has. The pursuit of money would hardly seem to be a nobler goal than the pursuit of beauty!

That study sheds light on the whole "trophy wife" phenomenon. A woman who is pretty enough to have any man she wants seeks the richest guy she can find, and a man who is rich enough to have any woman he wants seeks the prettiest woman he can find. Donald Trump leaves Ivana for Marla (and so on and so on) and Anna Nicole Smith married a rich old geezer. They all seem to be rather shallow people. They all got what they wanted. Both sexes are equally superficial…or driven by basal/preservation instinct.

Beautiful women have more romantic options and opportunities. However, in my opinion, only about 5% of the population falls into the truly beautiful category. In some geographical regions this percentage may be higher; Italy has a surplus of beautiful women, as does Cuba and the American south - but, these regions also have the best food and, as obesity is not considered attractive by most men, it all balances out in the end. So, 95% of the population is not beautiful, but about 90% of folks get married. Most women are average in appearance and most women find mates; how is that?

My mother is a psychologist and she notices a lot of things about people that I usually miss. Not long ago, she commented, "Have you noticed how almost all of the couples on the E-Harmony commercials look alike? They look as though they could be related." This led her to conclude that many people are attracted to mates who look similar to themselves. This might explain why, even though I am most attracted to dark haired, olive skinned women, I usually end up with tall, pale, willowy blondes. I'm 6'4", with fair hair and complexion. I certainly don't seek these women out, but maybe they seek me out.

Here is a useful tip for average looking women: if you see a guy to whom you are attracted, go up to him and say hello. Men are not usually as socially adept as women. However, we are always expected to make the first move. Very few of us are comfortable approaching a woman and starting a conversation. Heck, most of us can barely talk with each other with any level of comfort! Just go up to the guy and start talking and flirting and doing what comes naturally to women. Don't stand there, waiting for him to make the first move. Even if you are not the most attractive woman in the room, you will be in his eyes.

I would also suggest that most people of both genders have a less than realistic opinion of their own looks. Most above average looking guys think that beautiful women are out of their league. They will choose a more average looking woman for fear of rejection or because they doubt they are attractive enough to cause a beautiful woman to fall in love with them and remain faithful.

Then, there is desperation. Many people get together motivated mainly by a desire not to be alone. A friend of mine recently married one of the most unpleasant women I've ever met mainly because he wanted to get married before he turned 40.

In the immortal words of Mickey Gilley, from "The Girls All Get Prettier at Closing Time":

I don't mean to criticize the girls at all / 'cause I'm no Robert Redford, even overhauled / But we all picture in our minds a girl that looks just right / Ain't it funny, ain't it strange / The way a man's opinion changes / When he starts to face that lonely night.

Another point needs to be examined. A recent study by Martin Fieder and Susanne Huber, of the University of Vienna found that men are most desirous of women younger than themselves, while women prefer older men. That makes sense considering that younger women tend to be more attractive (as proven dramatically at any high school reunion) and older men have had more time to make money. Historically, this has been the trend that humanity has followed, regardless of culture. It was only in the 1950s, when advertisers began to market products to specific generations and the teenager became a pop-culture phenomenon, that the natural desire of age difference in a romantic relationship began to fade - older men marrying younger women began to be seen as old fashioned, backward and less than ideal. I'm not going to say that age disparity is preferable. However, anyone can see that divorce rates skyrocketed from that point on.

I'm reminded of Ray and Rosa Hicks. Ray was a famous storyteller from the mountains of North Carolina, and a good friend of mine. Ray was 27 and Rosa was 14 when they married. They remained deeply in love throughout their marriage, raised several children, and Rosa was at Ray's side when he died at the age of 81. Their lives were very tough and Ray was a hard man to live with, but they stuck it out and their marriage survived - they remained attracted to each other and even jealous of one another to the end. You can read about Ray and Rosa in a book entitled The Last Chivaree. Now days, such relationships are not accepted. A man of 27 who was in love with a 14 year old girl would be branded a pedophile and arrested. Maybe things have changed for the better, but I would be hard pressed to find any evidence of it in our society.

One last aspect of this whole physical attraction thing, that I feel should be addressed, is society's concept of beauty. Over the past few decades the women who have been held up as the ideal of beauty in our culture are pencil thin, flat chested waifs. Frankly, I think the only people who think the ideal woman should look like a boy are the homosexuals who dominate the fashion and entertainment industries. Androgyny is not a quality to which one should aspire. This is unhealthy and just plain wrong. Arguably, the two most beautiful women America has ever produced were Marilyn Monroe and Ava Gardner. Those gorgeous creatures would be considered fat by today's standards and not even allowed in the entertainment industry. Here is a newsflash for the promoters of pop-culture: Men like breasts, and hips and curves! Anyone who thinks Angelina Jolie is more attractive in her current anorexic state than she was 10 years ago is sick. Paris Hilton is disgusting. Anyone who promotes such misguided images of beauty should be tarred, feathered and pushed off the left coast!

In the long run, of course, it is what's inside that counts. But beauty matters, big time!

First of all, I always hesitate to speak for "women." I can speak from my own experience, and from the experience of women I've known. I can speak from what I know about feminine nature. But in the end, my perspective is hardly universal. Nevertheless, I have a perspective. And here it is.

It is undeniably true that a woman who plans to stay at home with her children has a serious stake in her intended's earning capacity. Once she has those children, her children will be very, very dependent on him. Which in turn makes her very, very dependent on him, and thus very, very vulnerable. She relies on him to take care of her material needs so that she in turn can focus all of her energy on nurturing the new lives that have been entrusted to her. If she can't rely on that - if she has to worry about losing the roof over their heads or the food on their plates - her ability to focus on her children is going to be compromised.

In previous generations, this was a given. If a man wanted a family, he planned his life accordingly. He learned a trade, or got an education, or bought a farm, or did whatever needed to be done so that he would be prepared when Miss Right came along. (Or when he turned 25 and needed to marry Miss Almost-Right so that people wouldn't start to question his sexual orientation. Things were a lot different in previous generations.)

I've got to tell you, there's something very attractive about that. And it's not about the money. When a man can say "Before I even knew you, I was preparing for you and working to build the life we'll have together," it helps a woman to feels protected and treasured before the marriage even begins.

Contrast that to the current generation, where so many men seem to approach marriage with an attitude that says "You'd better get a job and contribute your fair share to the upkeep of this family." As if giving birth to the children, nurturing them and keeping a busy household running wasn't a sufficient "contribution." Let me tell you, that kind of attitude does not make a woman feel loved or protected.

Okay, so now that we've got that out of the way, let's be honest. Providing for a family, as important as that may be, is not the only reason women look for men of "means." And those other reasons, surprisingly enough, don't all boil down to simple "gold-digging" (although I'm sure there's plenty of that to go around, too).

Most women want a man who is, for lack of a better term, somehow "bigger" than she is. We naturally gravitate to men who are at least as physically large as we are. The very tall Nicole Kidman, after her divorce from the very short Tom Cruise, said that it would be good to go back to wearing high heels. When seen in public with him, she had to appear as short as possible because it just doesn't look "right" somehow when a wife towers over her husband. I know it's not logical - size says nothing about character or virtue or anything else. But it's instinctive and it's fairly strong. Women typically don't want to be much taller or much heavier than their partners.

But it goes beyond the physical. We gravitate to men who are at least as "big" as we are in terms of life, goals, accomplishments. Again, it's difficult to explain because it isn't necessarily logical. But it's there and it's relatively powerful. Maybe it's about that instinctive desire to be protected, whether or not we have children. But for some reason, we want men whose lives are "bigger" than ours. We don't want to be significantly smarter or more successful than the men we choose as partners. Not that we don't want to be smart or successful. Just that we gravitate toward men who in some way seem to match or exceed our accomplishments.

And often money can serve as shorthand for that. A man who has more money than we do seems somehow bigger than we are. He's accomplished more. Or at least it seems that way. Maybe he hasn't at all. Maybe it's a trust fund. Maybe it's inherited and he hasn't done anything but play polo and ride around in his yacht. Like I said, it isn't logical. I think men, to a certain extent, feel this way as well. As much as they may talk about wanting a "sugar mama," most men want to know they can provide for the woman they love. I once, back in high school, dated a man who told me that if we were ever to marry, he would divorce me the day I earned more money than he did. It struck me as a ludicrous statement at the time, and indeed it was. But it was the immature expression of a powerful human instinct - the need for a man to take care of a woman.

Notice that I never said that it's a right or good thing for a woman to include "wealthy" in her short list of spousal criterion. A lazy woman who sees a man as simply means to her materialistic ends has no excuse in simply saying "It's my nature to want to be taken care of." All of these instincts need to be guided by reason.

A woman needs to ask herself some serious questions when she's faced with financial concerns about a prospective spouse. First of all, is this about the ability to support a family, or the ability to support the daydream you've always had about how your family life would look? Sitcom characters usually live in upscale neighborhoods. "The Beautiful People" drive late model luxury cars and carry designer handbags. Spend enough time in this society and it's easy to believe that we need all of that stuff. We don't. It doesn't lead to happiness, and it doesn't lead to happy families. In fact, the pursuit of materialism can often derail a family's happiness.

Second, is money really the best measure of whether a man's life is "bigger" than yours? Often the men who accomplish the most are paid the least. Look at teachers. There's a reason so few men choose to teach. It doesn't pay. But it can represent a serious, amazing accomplishment. A man who is following God's will with courage and faith is a much bigger man than a trust fund baby with a Porsche. So women, try to broaden your idea of what makes a man a man. Don't view money as shorthand for accomplishment. And please, please purge any inclination you may have to see a man as simply a means to get the "stuff" that you want and haven't been willing or able to earn for yourself. That's using, and it's very, very unattractive.

And guys, make the effort. Don't be the guy who lives just for himself until the very moment that Ms. Right slips the ring on his finger. Be the guy who, within the context of God's will for his life, is working to take care of the woman he loves, even if she hasn't arrived yet. A good woman will recognize and appreciate that. And it won't be about the money.

She wanted to prove to the professor that he was wrong, and so she began to conduct research. Eventually, psychologist Dr. Judith Langlois became one of the foremost researchers in the field of social development. She found to her surprise, that attractiveness was significant-even to infants and small children.

Ugly boys

Attractive children (and adults) are treated more positively-even by those who know them! One study, for example, showed that unattractive young boys were likely to be rejected by their school peers. Moreover, the likelihood that they would be rejected increased as the boys became better acquainted. If you're ugly, the better I know you, the less I like you! [1]

Maybe for little kids, you might say. But adults are wiser. We know not to judge a book by its cover. Or, do we?

What is it that attracts us, when we are drawn to someone-especially someone of the opposite sex? What is behind that feeling of attraction? Scientists studying the "laws of attraction" conclude that we tend to be attracted to people we are near (proximity is rewarding and distance is costly to relationships); studies have shown that even small distances have a far bigger impact on the quality of our relationships than we would imagine. Because we fear rejection, we also like people who like us. But most important, we like people who are physically attractive. [2]

Of all the factors that might spark romance-personality, proximity, reciprocity, or physical attractiveness–studies have shown that attractiveness may be the single most powerful influence on attraction between men and women.

Great personality or good looking?

Researchers at the University of Minnesota invited 376 college students to a dance, where they expected to meet someone, who had been specifically selected for them-someone with shared interests, a similar background and a compatible personality. In reality, they were paired off randomly. When they later rated how well they got along with their blind date, the researchers discovered that only one variable had significantly influenced whether or not they liked the person they met-physical attractiveness. The better looking, the more their partners liked them (Brehm 76).

Let's just face it: people are drawn to attractive people. We all know that physical attractiveness does not guarantee goodness. However, our human nature leads us to assume that good-looking people are also better people. This bias is so innate, that even kindergarteners believe it.

Beautiful people are also smart

A study was conducted using a kindergarten class with two teachers, one gorgeous and the other merely ordinary, a "plain Jane." The two teachers taught an identical lesson. The kindergarteners were then asked, "Which teacher did you like better?" The children overwhelmingly chose the attractive teacher. "Why did you like her better?" the researchers asked. "Because she is smart," the children said. "How do you know she is smart?" the researchers asked. "Because she is pretty." [3]

Many studies reveal our bias in favor of good-looking people. We believe that attractive people have other equally desirable characteristics–such as intelligence, talent, and social skill. We don't assume, however, that the attractive people possess a strong moral character . Nonetheless, the positives outweigh the negatives. Attractive people are more likely to be hired, even when other (less attractive) individuals have the identical qualifications, and they are more likely to receive a higher salary! They also have a better chance of paying a lower fine, when convicted of a misdemeanor (Brehm 72).

But, isn't beauty in the eye of the beholder? Not exactly.

What is considered attractive cuts across ethnic and cultural lines. People all over the world tend to agree on who is and who is not attractive! Men all over the world prefer symmetrical faces, "feminine" (but not childish) features such as big eyes, small nose, and full lips, along with "mature" features such as prominent cheekbones, narrow cheeks and a big smile (Brehm 74).

Women are tougher to pin down. At times, women tend to prefer the friendly, youthful boyish look (say, Leornardo DiCaprio). Other times–and studies have shown this occurs with monthly regularity!–women prefer the more dominant, rugged look: strong jaw, broad foreheads (think George Clooney).

Overall, however, the more attractive faces are actually "average"-symmetrical, well-proportioned. Saint Thomas Aquinas could have predicted this result, as he wrote hundreds of years ago, "Hence beauty consists in due proportion; for the senses delight in things duly proportioned" (Summa, part I, question V).

Cute guys have more fun

Attractive women get asked out more than plain women. However, overall, plain women have as many interactions with men as the beautiful women! In group settings (at work, at school, etc.) the plain women are just as involved in social interactions with men. This is not the case with unattractive men, however. They don't get as much social interaction with women-no matter what the setting-as the handsome men.

Even babies tend to prefer faces that adults find attractive! Some researchers speculate that there is an evolutionary basis to these preferences. Early human beings learned to choose the "beautiful" mate as one who survived disease and illness and is, therefore, a stronger mate, and one who is likely to produce healthy progeny. For cave women, that powerful jaw was one that could rip into large chunks of bar-b-qued mastodon meat and would therefore be strong enough to protect her and her babies.

It could also be the fingerprint of God upon our souls.

This bias toward beauty is part of God's plan. God himself is Truth, Goodness, and Beauty. We are drawn to beauty, just as our souls are drawn to God. "The desire for God is written in the human heart, because man is created by God and for God" (Catechism of the Catholic Church, no. 1).

God also allows the dynamics of attraction, of affective responses, to draw us toward our vocation to love. God works through the very nature he created in us, and allows us to be attracted to that which is our true vocation. The human person is a mysterious unity of body and soul, and the natural laws of attraction apply to our intimate relationships. Attraction is not the same as love, nor is it a guarantee of love. It is, however, an essential first step.

You gotta have heart

Love is not merely a feeling; it is a decision of the heart. And Christ gave us the great commandment of love, which includes loving even our enemies. But, we do not have to marry them! When we say that love is a decision, this does not mean that you can simply "make up your mind" to love someone–no matter how you feel about him. He or she meets all my intellectual criteria for a potential spouse, therefore I shall decide to love him or her . This would be a passionless, stoic marriage. It is the heart that loves.

Love is the "most fundamental passion" which is "aroused by the attraction of the good" (Catechism, no. 1765). As Dietrich von Hildebrand might put it, love involves an affective response to a perceived value. It is not merely an intellectual exercise and a stoic resolution of the will. Genuine affective responses cannot be commanded, though they may be encouraged. [4] "Whenever a true value affects us, whenever a ray of beauty, goodness or holiness wounds our heart…a certain actual change is produced in our being…" (Hildebrand 231).

Raising the bar too high

Psychologists proved von Hildebrand's point, though not, perhaps, as he had intended it. They found that gazing upon beautiful people does indeed change us. It makes us appreciate ordinary folk less! Everywhere we go, we see attractive men and women on display: movies, magazines, television ads. Though we enjoy seeing beautiful people, it has an interesting side-effect. Researchers found that after exposure to extremely attractive men and women (whether in person or through photographs) we tend to underestimate our own attractiveness and that of our real life friends and acquaintances. We have raised the bar on what we deem attractive-yet we are not likely to meet anyone of movie-star caliber!

Even if a man found a woman attractive, however, he would not ask her out, if he was unsure whether she would accept. Most men do not want to risk rejection. It would seem that, therefore, we must have a lot of men out there who are in a quandary: not attracted to the ordinary women in his life, yet unwilling to approach the woman of his dreams. Does this explain the frustration many single women are experiencing today? They don't measure up to our society's concept of the "perfect woman"-and it has now been proved that this concept does impact our everyday judgments of the average people we meet and work with!

Beauty is not just skin deep, after all

God himself is beautiful, and the author of all things beautiful. St. Thomas Aquinas points out that, just as physical beauty consists in a certain clarity and proportion (reflecting the divine harmony of all creation), so too must the beauty of one's interior life consist in due proportions. That is, one's conduct or actions should be "well proportioned"-or balanced-under the "spiritual clarity" of reason (Summa Part 1, question 145).

In his Wednesday audience of August 29, 2007, Pope Benedict XVI picked up this theme when he reflected on man's beauty: a "reflection of that original beauty which is God," yet a reflection that is marred by sin.

  "Man therefore recognizes in himself the reflection of the divine light: by purifying his heart he is once more, as he was in the beginning, a clear image of God, exemplary Beauty (cf. Oratio Catechetica 6: SC 453, 174). Thus, by purifying himself, man can see God, as do the pure of heart (cf. Mt 5: 8). . .We should therefore wash away the ugliness stored within our hearts and rediscover God's light within us."

In purifying our souls we become more authentically beautiful. If not physically beautiful by movie star criteria, the harmony and clarity of our souls, more purely reflecting the image of God who is true Beauty, will be mysteriously attractive. As Pope Benedict XVI wrote, then our very lives will become "luminous also to others and to the world."

Each year on the day after Thanksgiving, Jim, a sanguine friend of ours, has the same debate with his melancholic wife: when to put up the Christmas tree. Jim argues that the tree should be decorated and ensconced in the family room no later than December 1st. Maureen, on the other hand, reveres the German tradition of putting up the tree on December 24th. She insists that it simply isn't appropriate to decorate the house during the penitential season of Advent. Jim counters that he wants his young children to experience the anticipatory joy of the Savior's birth, and that a dour Advent would crush their spirit.

Another couple we know had a similar argument; in this case, sanguine Mary wanted to attend a lot of Christmas parties during December and wanted her melancholic fiance' to go with her! He, however, reminded her that the Christmas season does not commence liturgically until December 25th! He felt it would not be appropriate to attend Christmas parties during the penitential season of Advent. She wondered: must I go to all these parties alone? Isn't Advent also a period of joyful expectation and preparation for the coming of Christ?

After learning about the four temperaments, both couples learned that their temperament has a lot to do with how they feel about Christmas decorating and parties! The fun-loving sanguine temperament is more extraverted, seeking active participation with family and friends. The melancholic, on the other hand, is naturally drawn to introspection and quiet reflection. He looks forward to the deeply meditative liturgical season of Advent, in which we are drawn as a Church family to wait for the Lord, to draw ever closer to Christ in simplicity and childlike trust.

Yet the Church, in her infinite wisdom does not dictate whether or not we can attend a pre-Christmas party or two! She does not mandate, as the Pharisees might, how many lights we may string on our porches! We neither wish to be Scrooges, nor do we want to give ourselves over to the consumer mentality of the world of shopping, parties, and over-indulgence. We Christians are in the world, but not of it. So what is our solution?

Our couples with their opposing temperaments discovered that compromise was indeed possible! Each decided to generously give the other a gift of self-denial: each denying his own preference. In fact, though each believed that he or she was right in his or her view, each decided to practice that very delicate charity that comes with true love. So long as it is not sinful, why not concede the other's wishes?

So they forged a compromise. Jim and Maureen now put up their Christmas tree on Gaudete Sunday, the third Sunday in Advent, when the priest wears rose-colored vestments symbolizing our joy and gladness at the nearness of the Lord, a foretaste of joy and gladness in encountering Christ, our Savior.

Mary now curtails the number of parties she attends with her fiance': she asks him to escort her to only two of the most important events, and she attends the others with girlfriends or co-workers. He willingly accepts two parties, and goes with a positive attitude, knowing that he isn't going to be dragged to several parties each weekend of Advent! The couple makes a commitment to attend Holy Hour each weekend, and to avail themselves of the sacrament of Penance, thus balancing out the joyful aspect of the season with the penitential.

Understanding differences in temperament helped these couples with opposite temperaments to gain empathy for each other. At first, sanguine Mary thought that her boyfriend was just denying her the opportunity to have fun! She didn't realize how important it is to his temperament to have quiet time for reflection and meditation, especially during this liturgical season. Similarly, he hadn't realized how important it was to Mary to be with her close friends and family at this joyful time of the year. After understanding the temperaments, they began to realize that their own reactions were temperamentally-based and that their partner was also reacting from a temperament bias-not out of spite or stubbornness!

With new ways of understanding one another, we grow in empathy. Empathy is putting ourselves in another's shoes, and withholding judgment: "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" (Mt 7:3) Love is giving of ourselves, for the sake of the beloved: "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you" (Jn 15: 12).

Next month, I will take a look at other intriguing temperament combinations and some interesting situations that can ensue.

"A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of Nature."
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

"What is a friend? A single soul in two bodies."

–Aristotle, Nichomachean Ethics

  "No longer do I call you servants… but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father, I have made known to you."
–John 15:15

Friendship gets a bad rap - most particularly in the single life. One of the most common things I hear after someone goes on a date is, "He/she JUST wants to be friends", followed by a heartbroken sigh. When one is involved in the dating scene, the LAST thing people generally want to hear is the now infamous "let's just be friends" line or variations thereof. And that's simply because people are looking for romantic relationships - and being considered a friend is, in their minds, being relegated to second best. For them, it is a little bit like a dog being thrown a bone.

And that mode of thought gives great disservice to friendship in general. So it seems to me that it is high time for us to take a look on what some of the great minds have said about friendship and re-evaluate the way we look at friendship. For, if we fail in understanding the value of friendship, we will fail in cultivating true and holy friendships and most likely fail in other relationships as well. And, in turn, we ourselves will suffer. To quote Cervantes: "Tell me what company thou keepst, and I'll tell thee what thou art."

To begin then, let us consider what some of the great minds of the past have said on the value of friendship. Cicero, the noted Roman orator, states: "Life is nothing without friendship." He is also often quoted as saying: "Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief." To him, friendship has a value beyond price.

In his discourse on friendship in the Nichomachean Ethics, Aristotle says: "For without friends, no one would choose to live though he had all other goods. Even rich men, and those in possession of office and of dominating power are thought to need friends most of all; for what is the use of such prosperity without the opportunity of beneficence, which is exercised chiefly and in its most laudable form towards friends? Or how can prosperity be guarded and preserved without friends?" He goes on to say that: "But it is not only necessary but also noble; for we praise those who love their friends, and it is thought to be a fine thing to have many friends; and again we think it is the same people that are good men and are friends."

So then, we see that Aristotle too considers friendship as one of the highest, if not the summit, of earthly goods. More modern minds have also made similar statements about friendship. In Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life", Clarence the angel tells George Bailey: "Remember George, no man is a failure who has friends." C.S Lewis continues: "Friend is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that gives value to survival." So, no man is alone who has friends - and those who have solid friendships are most richly blessed. To sum up in the words of Sacred Scripture: "A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter; he who has found one has found a treasure." — Sirach 6:14

"Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together"
– Woodrow Wilson

  "I find friendship to be like wine, raw when new, ripened with age, the true old man's milk and restorative cordial."
- -Thomas Jefferson

Now that we have seen that friendship is of great value, how do we, as Christians, be good friends to others? What does it mean to be a good friend - especially in today's self-centered and sex-saturated society? Let's first look at the words of Jesus. He tells his disciples in the Gospel of John that they are to "love one another. As I have loved you, so must you love one another." A short time later, in that same Gospel, Jesus also makes a strong point of calling his disciples not servants, but FRIENDS. Putting these two verses together then, it seems that to be a true friend, one must have love for the other.

But, what kind of love? Because as many of us know, the conception of love in modern society and the Christian's notion of love can differ greatly. In the Ethics, Aristotle says: "to be friends, then, they must be mutually recognized as bearing goodwill and wishing well to each other." In other words, a real friend loves when he wills the good of another. Jesus goes a step further when He says that no greater love has a man than he who lays down his life for his friend. (See John 15:13) So, love then, clearly involves self-sacrifice (mirroring Christ's sacrifice on the Cross) and true friendship involves love. So real friendship has to revolve around mutual self-sacrifice and self-giving. So from this, it becomes clear why nurturing one's friendships properly helps in preparing for a marital relationship.

"The only way to have a friend is to be one."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Two are better than one: they get a good wage for their labor. If the other falls, the other will lift up his companion. Woe to the solitary man! For if he should fall, he has no one to lift him up."
- Ecclesiates 4:9-10

It also becomes clear that if we fail to nurture our friendships (i.e. if we fail to be true friends) we will fail in our other relationships, especially those of a romantic nature. The expression "friends first" often gets dismissed because it is trite and cliched - but the funny thing about cliches is that they are often true. So, if we want to be a good spouse, it is critical that we appreciate the value of friendship and nurture our own friendships (specifically by centering them around serving one another and Christ) - even when, in our own minds, it may be "less" than we might want.

So, the next time somebody tells you that they simply wish to be friends - don't let your automatic response be a roll of the eyes and an inward groan. They could be offering you something very precious and real–a part of themselves. And then it helps to bear in mind the words of the Golden Rule: "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." By being good and holy friends, you are being Jesus to another.

Holy Thursday. I am not quite sure how that day fits into the dating life. It could probably be compared with a wedding ceremony. A covenant is being established. There are promises of great things but also the realism that pain is part of the package.

For obvious reasons, let's skip over Good Friday. If you can compare your dating life to this day then perhaps you should submit an article and tell us your story. Additionally, the combined prayers of the thousands would be in order.

To me, Holy Saturday is a day which definitely resembles the dating life of most singles. And here's why. Most singles don't have a dating life. They are in "waiting mode." Not only are they waiting for marriage. They are actually waiting for their dating life to commence. They would like to date but for now they are not.

On Holy Saturday, the apostles were out of sight — not being too sociable for obvious reasons. Perhaps, they remembered the promise Jesus made that He would rise from the dead. But, at this point they just couldn't visualize the whole thing happening. Apparently, witnessing Lazarus walking out of the grave only a short time earlier wasn't enough for them.

We are the same way. We have friends who struggle for a very long period of time to find that special person. Then, suddenly this same friend is in a marvelous dating experience and is moving closer and closer to marriage. Even though there are people around us who rise from the grave of deep loneliness, some of us believe that we, ourselves, are never going to come out of that grave.

As singles, we go on all kinds of retreats and attend conferences to be filled with the Power and the many Promises of God. He tells us that He will never abandon us. Our Lord says that His ways are not our ways. He even tells us to place our burdens on HIM!! "Ask. Seek. Knock." Those are the words of Jesus who rose from the dead. This is Jesus who took on the sins of the world and was and is victorious.

Do we really believe that despite the ten million reasons why it looks like we will never be married…that this same Jesus will bring us all of the way to Easter Sunday? It would be a very good idea to start believing this. Faith is required for God's promises to be fulfilled. And for those who say, "You don't know how long I have waited," I agree. I don't know how long you have waited for your spouse. My wait has been twenty years. The last time I had anything resembling Palm Sunday dating was in 1987. Ronald Reagan was president and some of you only existed in the mind of our Heavenly Father.

We don't have anyone else to worry about, so there is an opportunity take a closer look at the people we encounter in everyday life. At times, our single status and our single lifestyle fills in a much needed societal gap. We can identify those who require assistance and maybe some gentle correction. Of course, married people do this as well. But, as a single person who has nowhere specific to go in the evenings, and no one who needs you at home, this is much easier to do.

On a recent weekday afternoon, I returned from work to an eastern suburb of Phoenix, to encounter a young woman meandering through a very hot and very large parking lot. She was out there for several minutes going nowhere. Repeatedly, she headed in one direction and then changed her mind and headed in another. Taking in that scene was odd and just left me feeling uncomfortable.

She had a toddler in a stroller and an infant strapped to her front, just dangling like a sack of potatoes. The infant's arms were beet red. Someone passed by and said, "What is she thinking??" and then proceeded to walk away with disgust.

So, I decided to watch for a few more minutes to see if she was okay. She continued her pattern…wheeling over the hot pavement for awhile and then changing her mind and heading in another direction. This went on long enough to make me wonder what in the world was going on.

I approached the young lady. "How are you doing ma'am? Is everything okay? It's extremely hot out today, and I noticed that you and the children have been out here in the direct sunlight for quite some time."

She said that everything was fine.

"Are you sure? Do you need anything?"

"Yes, where is there a restroom in the area?"

I responded, "There are restrooms all over the place here. At this corner, we have an ice cream shop, grocery store, sandwich shop and drug store. They all have public restrooms."

Additionally, I asked, "Do you have any water?"

She responded, "Usually, I have water."

Then I continued, "I would like to get some water for you."

"No, I don't need any." She moved on several feet from me and did not proceed to any of the establishments with the restrooms.

A man who works in a nearby tattoo shop came out and said to me, "So you noticed that lady, too." He also mentioned the baby's red arms.

I said, "I am about five seconds from calling 911."

The tattoo man said, "Do it now!! Just do it!! She's been out here for thirty minutes!!"

Once I heard that, my decision was easy. Thirty minutes on asphalt with an infant and a preschooler and it's over 100 degrees!! No more discernment was needed.

The 911 dispatcher asked me a multitude of questions. "Where is she now? Where is she going? What is she doing?"

I told her that the young lady was headed to a bus.

Her response, "I'm dispatching the fire department to stop the bus. We are going to check on this."

She and the bus left. I probably will never know what happened after that.

While I continued home, I reflected on my actions. I wondered what else I could have done. This person's behavior was simply not safe, not for her nor for the two vulnerable souls.

May the readers pray fervently for this woman. She is in God's hands. May He fulfill the divinely-inspired promise of St. Paul: "We know that all things work for good, for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8: 28)

Dear Lord, call this young lady and her children and please use this incident for good!! You are holy and mighty. Thank you dear Living God for covering all of us with droplets of Grace. When our lives feverishly overwhelm us with struggles and great burdens, we lean on you and welcome the river of Living Water who is the Holy Spirit to fill us with hope, peace, provision, and wisdom.

Well, I'm not opening that can of worms again.

This time, I want to talk about vocation in a different sense — probably the way that some of you were seeing the initial discussion, which was what led to all of the being mad and stuff in the first place.

I want to talk about "small v" vocation, or what Catholic writers often call "personal vocation."

What I call a "Capital V" vocation (the terminology is mine, not the Church's) involves a total, permanent, formal, irrevocable gift of self. It falls into two categories — we give ourselves either to God in religious life or to a spouse in marriage. It's not about what you do so much as to whom (or Whom) you've given yourself. We're created for self-gift (see Gaudium et Spes 24, "…man can truly discover himself only in a sincere gift of himself") which makes these self-donating "Capital V" vocations very important.

Personal vocation, on the other hand, falls into no category at all. It is, as the name, says, personal. It is based on the idea that God created you as an absolutely unique, unrepeatable human person. He gave you a unique, unrepeatable set of gifts, abilities and circumstances. And He has a plan for your life — a unique plan custom-tailored to those gifts, abilities and circumstances.

Personal vocation is about what God wants you to do with your life — not in the one-time "this is how I give myself way", but in every moment of every day, living out His plan for you.

It happens on a lot of different levels. Primary, of course, is the vocation to holiness. We're all called to that. But the way it happens is different for all of us. Some constants, of course — we pray, we receive graces from the Mass and the sacraments. But holiness is essentially a relationship with God, and no two relationships are exactly the same. He doesn't love you the way He loves your sister or your best friend. Your relationship is unique.

And then there's what we do with that relationship. It's always struck me that it makes sense to follow God's lead when making decisions about my life. After all, He loves me. Plus, He sees the very big picture that I can't see. He knows the future. He knows what other people are doing, and what the results will be. He knows how my actions could fit together with other people's actions to make the world a better place. He knows where I'm headed better than I do.

So personal vocation means following God's plan for my life. For many of us, there may be an overarching "theme." I am convinced, for instance, that it is my personal vocation to allow Him to use whatever gifts I have to teach them about Him, and in particular about the beauty of His plan for human sexuality. From that follows certain obligations — namely that I stay close to Him (the vocation to holiness), that I keep learning about Him, and that I "walk through" the doors He opens for me.

Personal vocation can change over time. Someone may be called to be a mother in one phase of her life, and then go on to follow God's plan in a different way when her kids are grown. God's plan can also call for more than one "vocation" at a time — being a parent and active in a particular ministry, for example.

I think the concept of personal vocation is very important for us to understand as single persons. We tend to live in the future. "When I get married I'll do this…" Worse yet, we believe that God has somehow abandoned or forgotten us because we're still single. But God hasn't forgotten. He has a plan for my life, and He has a plan for your life. And that plan doesn't start when (and if) you get married. It starts now. He knows you. He knows exactly where you are and how you got there. He is with you. And whatever crooked lines exist in your life, He has a plan to straighten them and form them into something beautiful.

So how do we find our personal vocation? First of all, through the pursuit of holiness. If we aren't close to Him, if we aren't following Him, we won't be able to hear what He's saying to us. Prayer, Sacraments, Scripture — all of these lead us closer to the God who loves us and knows what is best for us.

In that prayer, ask. Ask Him for guidance. Ask Him to show you what He wants you to do. Ask Him to open the doors He wants you to walk through.

Look at your natural interests, gifts and inclinations. I don't mean your interest in beer can collecting, but your positive, constructive interests. God often speaks through the gifts He's given us. And, on some level, He gives us an attraction to that to which we are called.

And once that door opens, walk all the way through it. Throw yourself into it. Use all of your smarts, your common sense and your willpower to do a really, really good job. Make it your gift to God.

John Paul II said "God with his call reaches the heart of each individual, and the Spirit, who abides deep within each disciple, gives himself to each Christian with different charisms and special signs. Each one, therefore, must be helped to embrace the gift entrusted to him as a completely unique person, and to hear the words which the Spirit of God personally address to him" (Pastores Dabo Vobis, 1992).

Married, single — it doesn't matter. You have a unique personal vocation, entrusted only to you. Find it and live it. You'll be glad you did.

Whether it's a fun novel, a helpful spiritual work, or just a great source of personal enrichment, I am always appreciative when a friend or family member recommends a book to me that has influenced or inspired them. In this month's column, I'd like to do the same for you. I'd like to share some titles from my own reading list - books that have most definitely impacted my life as a single Catholic, and helped me grow in several different areas.

These titles are a little out of the ordinary when it comes to books discussed in singles groups or Catholic circles. But I believe they have the potential to leave a significant and lasting impact on your life in terms of your career, your vocation, your relationships, and your walk with the Lord.

 Don't Settle for Good, When You Can Be Great

When I began working in youth ministry, the very first assignment my boss gave me was to read the book Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap…and Others Don't , by Jim Collins (Harper, 2001). At first I thought it was incredibly strange that my boss would have a fledgling youth leader read a book written about Fortune 500 companies and what makes a CEO great instead of merely status quo. That is, until I read the book. Good to Great became one of the most valuable tools of my new job, because it taught me the qualities and characteristics of real leaders, successful companies, and great teams.

Jim Collins (also best-selling author of Built to Last ) gathered a team of research specialists who spent five years analyzing Fortune 500 companies and asking "How can good companies, mediocre companies, even bad companies achieve enduring greatness?" In other words, Collins set out to find the answer to the question: "what are the universal distinguishing characteristics that cause a company to go from good to great?"

Have you ever wondered what made Walgreens the most successful drug store in America, instead of Eckerd, who previously lead the industry? The answer is what Collins calls Level 5 Leadership. He found that the attributes of a Level 5 Leader are humility, a willingness to constantly learn and try new things, diligence, striving for the success of the company (instead of personal recognition and gain), and knowing what NOT to do as well as what should be on your "to do" list.

Collins also found that a key determinate between an average and truly great company is finding the right people, and then assigning the right people to the right tasks: "Get the wrong people off the bus, the right people in the right seats, and then decide where to drive." This advice can be a lifesaver to any team working together. If people are placed in positions where they can excel in the ways they are naturally wired to work best, the entire team will have a much greater chance of success.  

Good to Great will teach you the attributes of a truly great leader. Collins explores the importance of humility, modesty, discipline, and other virtues that are crucial for the success of any venture. Whether you utilize the information in Good to Great to pursue your career, your personal life goals, or in ministry, it will help you recognize your own strengths and weaknesses and focus your efforts on becoming great at what God has called you to accomplish in this life.

Take a Trip to Financial Peace University

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to pick the brain of a marriage counselor who had been counseling couples for over two decades. "In my experience, ninety percent of marriage fights and squabbles are about money," he said. I've heard similar comments from other marriage counselors, therapists, and experts. It seems that in most relationships, money will always be a hot topic.

Unfortunately, we live in an exceedingly debt-saturated culture. For most Americans, our financial philosophy includes allowance for a lot more debt than should ever be accumulated. Regardless of the current state of your finances, I'm confident that all of us could benefit from re-thinking the choices we make with money. Especially for single adults, it is important for us to start making wise financial decisions now, during our single years, as a means of solid preparation for married life.

Although there are numerous sources of financial advice available to us in the form of books, CDs, workshops, and online courses, I have personally found financial expert Dave Ramsey to be the best source of advice, motivation, and practical help on the difficult road to restoring financial peace in your life.

I wish I had the space in this column to share stories of miracles I have witnessed in friends, relatives, co-workers and colleagues whose lives were transformed in the area of financial discipline through a single book: The Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness , by Dave Ramsey (Thomas Nelson, 2007). [Note of caution: Dave Ramsey does speak about Christian and spiritual principles which may not be compatible with the Catholic Faith, so please discern accordingly.]

Dave Ramsey will change your attitude about money. He condenses two decades of financial teaching and coaching into this New York Times and Wall Street Journal best-seller. In The Total Money Makeover , Dave outlines seven easy-to-follow steps that will lead you to a debt-free lifestyle. While his advice and recommendations are certainly not easy to follow, Dave offers the encouragement and practical advice you need to make the painful step-by-step journey out of debt and into financial freedom.

A Bishop Speaks to Young Adults

It's not often that you find a bishop willing to write an 800-plus page book to Catholic young adults. It's probably more unusual that such a book is written to explain the Bible to young people. But that's just what Bishop Frederick Justus Knecht did in 1893 with his book A Practical Commentary on Holy Scripture (TAN, 2003).

I know it sounds like a daunting book, but if you work through the book as a devotional study, and read just 5 minutes worth of Bishop Knecht's Commentary every day, you can get through this entire book in a year.  

The German Bishop's Commentary is deep, but it's also exceptionally clear and easy to understand. This is not a verse-by-verse commentary on the Bible, but instead is a look at the big picture of Scripture. From Genesis to Revelation, you will read the stories of the Bible, followed by a brief explanation and commentary on the Scripture passage. Bishop Knecht usually ends his commentary with a third section containing a moral challenge and practical application for the modern reader.  

Besides its easy-to-understand language, insightful pictures, diagrams, maps, and a very helpful concordance, one of the major bonuses of this Commentary is that it was written before modernism entered Scripture scholarship. You won't find a lot of mumbo-jumbo that belongs in your trash and not on your shelf in this book. Bishop Knecht's Commentary provides solid, orthodox explanations of the Scriptures, and draws pastoral lessons and insights that will have a deep impact on your life as you strive for holiness.

St. Jerome said, "Ignorance of Scripture is ignorance of Christ," and the reverse is also true: knowledge of Scripture is knowledge of Christ. As single Catholics, we need the Word of God planted deep within our souls. Bishop's Knecht's Practical Commentary on Holy Scripture is the perfect place to start.

First, in scripture, Our Father and Creator told Adam and Eve "And God blessed them, and God said to them, ‘be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it'" (Gen 1:28). So, my understanding here is that, at first, this calling was for Adam, Eve, and all of their descendants (although some Old Testament people who were called for religious vocations were praised for remaining "single", such as Jeremiah and others). Then Our Lord Jesus Christ added some exceptions to this precept. When He gave his teaching on divorce in Matthew 19, his disciples stated, "If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is not expedient to marry." I looked into the dictionary for a definition of the word "expedient." In this context, it means, that it is not in our best interest, it is not advantageous or beneficial to us, or it is not worth it (for us to marry). To this statement, Our Lord replied

"Not all men can receive this precept, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven" (Matt 19:11-12).

Looking into the dictionary, the word "eunuch" literally means someone who was castrated, but figuratively, in this context, means someone who is chaste. And so my understanding of this passage is that, whereas all men and women were called for the vocation of marriage and family in the beginning, here Our Lord introduces three categories of people who may not accept this calling and/or may have a different calling, and therefore remain chaste. First, those who were born eunuchs, I'm thinking, probably means for example people who are mentally, physically, and/or emotionally disabled in such a way that they are not able to consent to marriage and family and/or perform their marital duties. I'm also thinking that homosexuals fall into this category. Second, those who were made eunuchs by society probably refer to people who have the same issues as in the first category, with the exception that they were not born with whatever condition that they have that precludes them from being able to accept the marriage/family vocation, but that society or specific individuals made them that way. And third, those who choose to be eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven undoubtedly refer to those who accepted religious vocations.

Now, Our Lord ended his response to the disciples with this statement, "He who is able to receive this, let him receive this" (Matt 19:12). Therefore, my understanding of this precept is that, if one is physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally able to accept the marriage/family vocation and is not precluded from doing so by any condition either acquired by birth or caused by the actions of others, then that person ought to accept the marriage/family vocation. Our Lord could not have been any clearer.

Is there a third vocation? Yes, there is a "single" vocation, but it is not for people who simply chose to remain single even though they are able to accept the marriage/family vocation and they are not called for religious vocations. It is for those who are unable to accept the marriage/family vocation. Furthermore, back in the 1st and 2nd centuries, there was a group of Christian ascetics who, in their attempt to remain pure and consecrate themselves to Christ, abstained from accepting the marriage/family vocation, abstained even from engaging in sexual unions with their spouses if they were already married, and abstained from eating meat, among other things. St. Paul, who heard of this group when it began to spread, condemned them in his first letter to Timothy, saying,

"Now the Spirit expressly says that in later times some will depart from the faith by giving heed to deceitful spirits and doctrines of demons, through the pretensions of liars whose consciences are seared, who forbid marriage and enjoin abstinence from foods which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and know the truth. For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, for then it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer" (1Tim 4:1-5).

 Then, in the 2nd century, the Church officially declared this type of asceticism "heresy."

So, it is clear that the weight of scripture falls heavily against the notion that one can chose to remain "single" and reject the marriage/family vocation even if able to accept the vocation, and that this is the will of God. Moreover, looking at current social trends, we see that we are in the midst of an unprecedented social crisis which includes the following:

1. For the first time in our nation's history, there are more households with unmarried people then there are with married people;

2. Many people put off marriage and family until they are well into their thirties or later and, subsequently, experience myriads of fertility issues for which many couples spend tens of thousands of dollars on artificial means of getting pregnant with few positive results;

3. Scientists tell us that the IDEAL age for a woman to have a child is 18 years old;

4. Statistically, today in Europe we have the LOWEST birth rate ever, in the HISTORY of the HUMAN RACE;

5. The Muslim population is growing so much that, if current trends hold up, it is estimated that by the year 2050, the Muslims in Europe will be in the majority, and the Christians will be the minority faith. God help us.

So, given this enormous crisis of historical proportion, it is inconceivable, unfathomable, that it would be Our Lord's will that a young adult, who is dedicated to getting closer to Him and is perfectly able to accept the marriage/family vocation, rejects this vocation and chooses to remain "single."

Let us, once and for all recognize this erroneous notion for the fallacy that it is. It may be God's will that a person spends their whole lives looking for a partner but does not find one, and thus remains single. But those of us who are called for the marriage/family vocation must keep looking, pray, and discern a potential partner (not the vocation itself). It is my hope and prayers, in writing these reflections, that Christian young adults properly discern their vocation and, if they are called for marriage and family, accept it, as Our Lord said, "He who is able to receive this, let him receive this."

Richard-122237 is a Marriage and Family Therapist who is licensed in Florida and who practices in the Miami/Fort Lauderdale area. He has a master's degree in marriage and family therapy and is currently working on his dissertation for a PhD degree in Counseling. He is very involved in single young adult ministry in the area and volunteers in his parish's youth ministry.