Our civilization may be nearing its end. I offer proof: bottled water for dogs.

According to a Sun of Baltimore blog, Century Foods, a maker of nutritional supplements, has introduced three types of bottled water for dogs: one to promote healthy…

In the course of human events it is necessary, now and again, to dissolve our political bands with the ninnies who keep abandoning our founding principles.

It used to be self-evident that our government’s role was primarily to protect certain unalienable…

“So you feel you’re the most qualified candidate for this position?”

“Absolutely. As you see by my resume, I graduated with honors from MIT.”

“Impressive. But tell me. How often do you go to the gym?”

“The gym?”

“Yeah, workout, pump iron, run on…

Bugs. They want us to eat bugs.

I speak of a recent article in Time that explains why eating bugs is good for the environment.

As it goes, bugs require “little room and few resources to grow.” Bugs are cold-blooded invertebrates, you see.…

Get this: Dads are essential to kids.

According to the National Fatherhood Initiative, kids who grow up without dads are more likely to grow up poor, drop out of school, end up in jail and encounter numerous other struggles in life…

“What a relief. After two decades of growth, childhood obesity rates have finally leveled off!”

“Ah, yes, you speak of a study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA). Based on data gathered from 1999 to 2006 by…

As the presidential campaign moves along and Americans take to arguing around water coolers and dinner tables, we ought to embrace the wit and wisdom of Will Rogers:

“The short memory of voters is what keeps our politicians in office.”

“We’ve got…

Ida Ayres never served a day in the armed forces, but she knows a thing or two about the sacrifices of war.

When we think of war and conflict, we think of the men and women who put themselves in harm’s…

“I was upset about the rising cost of food, too. But then I got smart.”

“Smart?”

“Look, when food costs began soaring, I complained as much as the next guy. I complained about fuel costs driving up shipping expenses, which drove up…

I used to take her for granted.

When my five sisters and I were babies in her womb, she never took so much as an aspirin for a headache. She never put anything in her body but the nutrients we needed…

The worst week of the year is upon us, and, boy, am I miserable.

Every year, on April 15th, you see, I gut my savings account to pay the government its share of my earnings. It takes me the entire…

My old Catholic elementary school has been struggling, and that's not good for anybody.

St. Germaine School in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, will merge with another Catholic school because of declining enrollment at both schools. St. Germaine's enrollment dropped from 172 students just six years ago to 86 this year.

Sister Dale McDonald, Director of Public Policy and Education Research at the National Catholic Educational Association, told me that declining enrollment is a national trend. Though there is some growth in the South and the West, Catholic schools are shutting down at the rate of more than 100 per year.

Here's something you should do if you haven't done so in a while: visit your mother and father and get out the old photo box.

Surely you have one. Ours is in my parents' hall closet. It's in a sturdy old Pabst Blue Ribbon beer case.

Lucky for me, I needed some photos for a humor speech I am giving about growing up in the '70s and I had a reason to go through the old photos.

As my mother and I dug through the box, I came across a black-and-white photo of a little girl. She's holding a stuffed toy as she looks, suspiciously, into the lens of the camera.

I wish I hadn't lent my bike to my sister Kris.

Maybe I better explain.

The Children's Society, a charitable group in the UK dedicated to improving childhood, released the results of a recent survey. It found that kids are way too materialistic these days.

Look at the average suburban kid. He or she is outfitted with more technical gadgets and trendy, fashionable clothing than a model in Abercrombie & Fitch. Many of these kids appear to get whatever it is they demand their guilt-riddled parents buy for them.

Peer pressure puts kids in a competitive race to own the latest, the coolest and the most expensive junk with the hopes of impressing the other kids and fitting in. The survey finds that the kids most influenced by commercial pressures suffer more mental-health issues.

"I was so overcome with emotion, I nearly passed out."

"Passed out?"

"The wife and I have been following Barack Obama around the country. Every time he enters a room, the wife collapses into my arms. I have to use smelling salts…

Now I really wish I was French.

Surely you've heard about the French bank trader, Jerome Kerviel, who outwitted his company's safeguards and managed to lose billions of his employer's money. What you may not have heard is this: As…

Gorman Johnston couldn't bear the thought of parting with his dog, Abner.

His story dates back to 1998. Gorman and his wife, Doris, took a drive to the country. They visited a farmer who'd bred a litter of Brittany spaniels.…

Hey, good buddy, I'm finally headed in the right direction — so is the rest of humanity.

I got a handheld Global Positioning Systems (GPS) device for Christmas. It's amazing what the thing can do.

Not only does it allow me…

Ah, the New Year is upon us, a time to make predictions about the future. Here's one that has me worried: human beings may eventually live a really long time.

According to the World Future Society, we are in the…

I was so determined to hit Jimmy Smith in the knees with my toboggan, I didn't notice the pond.

Maybe I better explain.

It's winter. The snow is falling. And when the snow falls, there's only one place a kid should be:…

I have more reason to celebrate Thanksgiving this year than ever  before. I was born in America, after all — I am a winner of life's lottery. And I came into the world in 1962, a grand time to be born.

Sure,…

You're switching to a high-deductible health-insurance policy! You're going to go broke!

You have it backwards. My high-deductible policy will save me money. And it allows me to set up a health savings account, which might make me a bunch of…

I have a confession to make. I'm addicted to long, hot showers.

It's hard for me not to be addicted. I live in a condominium. It's one of 40 units in our condo association.

As it goes, each condo owner contributes…

"Let me get this straight. One reason mortgages are defaulting is because many people who should never have qualified for a loan got approved anyhow?"

"For starters."

"You're going to have to explain."

"Well, it all dates back to 9/11. We'd already been…

New England Patriots' quarterback Tom Brady is the king of cool. So says the Boston Globe, anyhow. According to the Globe, Brady has carefully cultivated his coolness. He's displayed high-style images of himself in GQ, Sports Illustrated and many other magazines.…

Bullying sure isn't like it used to be. It's no wonder anti-bullying laws are popping up all over the place. In addition to bullying on playgrounds the way bullies always have, contemporary bullies are using technology. They're making nasty cell-phone…

It's a hot trend in the workplace: working from home or the coffee shop or anywhere, thanks to the Internet.

"Imagine a work world with no commute, no corporate headquarters and perhaps not even an office in the physical world at…

Boy, are college kids living like kings. I feel bad for them. According to The Associated Press, many universities are tearing down traditional dormitories in favor of upscale living quarters — posh facilities that offer private suites, granite countertops, designer…

I received an unexpected postcard in the mail the other day from an old friend. It made my day.

It's been a long time since I've gotten a handwritten letter from a friend — it has to be 10 or…

I did something last weekend I've not done in a while: went to a picnic.

There is a beautiful park only miles from where I grew up. It offers 3,000 acres of rolling green hills, open fields and walking trails. It…

The Congress sure does know how to cut into a fellow's social life.

The other week, the House passed an energy bill. A key goal of the bill is to subsidize government-favored energy alternatives by taxing oil companies another $16 billion.…

What's in a name? Way too much where babies are concerned.

According to the Wall Street Journal, parents are obsessing over what to name their kids. They're hiring consultants, applying mathematical formulas and software programs and even bringing in nutty spiritualist…

I sure do feel bad for the bottled water people. Maybe I better explain.

Back in the late 1980's, young upwardly mobile professionals — yuppies, if you recall the term — suddenly had cash to burn. This was the baby…

"Hiya, doc. Thanks for taking time to see me. I think I tore something in my knee and wondered if you could look it over."

"The problem is that all you western swine are weak in the knee! All of you…

Thursday night was grocery shopping night and the best night of the week.

Right after dinner, my father (the Big Guy) and I would board the 1972 Plymouth Fury III station wagon and head to the Del Farm. It was located…

When he was told he had only weeks to live, his response was telling. He was calm and at peace. At 83, he told his children he'd lived much longer than he expected.

He fought in World War II, after all…

Proms sure have gotten expensive these days.

According to the San Jose Mercury News, high school kids spend nearly $4 billion annually for dresses, accessories, flowers, beauty products, limos and other prom-related items. The average couple spends upward of $1,000…

I'll be 45 this Thursday and it's official: I have turned into my father.

The world makes less sense to me every day. My fellow man puzzles me more every day.

I cite exhibit A: crappy stone walls. I know…

It sat in my parents' dining room for 30 years or more: an old oak stereo console with large speakers concealed by green fabric. It filled my childhood with a harmony and clarity we could use lots more of about…

"The world is such a mess, I can't sleep anymore."

"Relax, Chicken Little."

"But the war in Iraq is going badly. The Middle East is a powder keg. Terrorists are surely plotting another attack in America. We're all doomed."

"Sure, we have challenges…

"Ha, you dirty American pig, look at how pitiful your war effort is going now!"

"What are you talking about, my terrorist pal?"

"Sure, your country has big guns and bombs. You were able to sail into Iraq. But we…

"Son, now that you're getting older it's time you learn where babies come from."

"I know were babies come from, Dad. A husband and a wife become affectionate, a miracle happens, then nine months later a baby is born."

"Actually, Son,…

"I'm going to wear a blond wig, a leisure suit and sing a syrupy Barry Manilow tune. If that doesn't get me onto America Idol, Simon Cowell can eat his own head."

"Ah, yes, you sum up America's fascination with fame…

"I knew it! I knew that humans are the cause of global warming!"

"Ah, yes, you refer to a summary report recently released by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. It concludes that human actions are 'very likely' the cause of…

All right, ladies, the gig is up. It's time for all of us to get married, including you.

I refer to the recent New York Times report on women living without husbands. After sorting through US census data, the Times determined that for…

"Let me get this straight. According to the Washington Post, schools are now banning cupcakes?"

"That's right. What of it?"

"They're just cupcakes — little individual cakes wrapped in paper and coated with icing. What the heck could be wrong with cupcakes?"

"Are…

Ah, yes, the gift-giving season. So what to get for the contemporary fellow who has everything? The Man Bag.

The Man Bag is a high-style satchel - a purse, though its creators hate when you call it that. It's designed…

Boy, houses are getting huge these days. According to the US Census, the average new home grew to 2,434 square feet in 2005 from 1,660 square feet in 1973. Mega houses of 3,000 square feet and well beyond — “McMansions”…

I worry that we’re not up to the challenge. Those who wish us ill certainly are.

Meanwhile, here in America we have difficulty putting our pets out of their misery.

I offer exhibit A: The daughter of my friend Fini had two…

The world is in desperate need of more fellows like Father Tom Kram. He arrived at my childhood parish, St. Germaine’s, in 1967, one year before I began the first grade. The old neighborhood was booming then because of the…