Here in Seattle, the Land at the End of History, all you have to do to induce complete credulity in the average Seattleite is preface whatever quack junk you are palming off on our highly sophisticated urban post-Christian crowd with “the Ancient Chinese art of” [insert quack junk]. After all, as we Seattleites all know, if it’s ancient and Judeo-Christian, it partakes of all the evils of the universe and can be safely dismissed without so much as listening. That’s why Seattle is the least-churched city in the least-churched state in the nation. 

But if it’s from the Mystic East it’s just gotta be reliable and not, say, just a rehash of banal gossip from the wine and cheese soirées in the condos overlooking Elliot Bay. So, for example, this Facial Analysis of the Candidates is not warmed-over psychobabble pablum regurgitating clichés scraped off the floor of every Pack Journalist office in the country, but Profound Insight.

Barack Obama: “His temples are slightly indented, which indicates that he may be compulsive about work, and needs regular exercise to de-stress. But it also shows he is highly disciplined, and that spirituality plays an important part in his life.

“His eyebrows show his tremendous drive and the ability to take on the difficult work … His lower eyelids indicate genuine care for other people. A mole near his nose indicates that this is a man with a special purpose in the world.”

Hillary Rodham Clinton: “Overall, the most impressive information seen in her face is how deeply she really cares about others and how she wants to help people; she views the country as one family. There are so many places on her face which reveal that her main motivation in her work is to help others. …

“The shape of her face shows tremendous strength … Hillary’s forehead indicates she’s very creative in problem-solving. … Her cheeks reveal both a strength and a challenge — her inherent desire to speak her mind. Her prominent cheeks are the feature that can make some men have a negative reaction to her, as subliminally they’ll feel she’s an overpowering and threatening woman.”

John McCain: “The most important feature on his face is his very heavy prominent jaw. But his jaw is not the strong, well-defined jaw that reflects good ‘roots of the tree’ — … the strong belief system. His jaw is quite massive and full. This shows firm values and beliefs, but more than that, it reveals someone who holds huge potential for anger and control.

“This feature, combined with his somewhat narrowed deep-set eyes show he is not so comfortable expressing his emotions, and he will need to suppress his feelings until he explodes into anger or upset.”

Now, in the brutal and primitive Christian tradition which is the source of all evil, we Neanderthals read one of the barbaric folk legends of the savage Jews that have done so much to Poison Everything. Here’s what one crude backward Bible story says:

The LORD said to Samuel:
“Fill your horn with oil, and be on your way.
I am sending you to Jesse of Bethlehem,
for I have chosen my king from among his sons.”

As Jesse and his sons came to the sacrifice,
Samuel looked at Eliab and thought,
“Surely the LORD’s anointed is here before him.”
But the LORD said to Samuel:
“Do not judge from his appearance or from his lofty stature,
because I have rejected him.
Not as man sees does God see,
because man sees the appearance
but the LORD looks into the heart.”

Note the contrast between the brutal ignorant barbaric Jews of yore and the wisdom of we highly educated Seattleites of today. The Jews actually thought — and I am not making this up — that you could not judge a person simply by how they happened to look! Can you imagine? The poor brutes had none of the advantages of postmodern Seattle culture, which has captured the subtle balance of simultaneously believing a person’s innermost being is knowable entirely from their physical features, and yet also is convinced that this will not lead to, say, prejudice on the basis of race or gender. We in Seattle are so obviously 3000 years smarter than those idiotic primitives who wrote the Old Testament. How good it is to be us!