"If everybody would just be friends with everybody else, what a wonderful world this would be!" I've heard that often and you probably have, too. Churlish though it may be to say so, this lovely thought is too simple by half. A Jewish lawyer tells a story illustrating why, these days, being friendly isn't nearly as easy as it sounds.
He was going into the Washington, D.C., law school where he teaches when he saw a student sitting on a bench by the entrance crying his head off. That struck him as odd — law students don't normally station themselves outside their schools sobbing for all the world to see.
No one else seemed to be paying attention, so my friend the lawyer went up to the young man and said, "Excuse me. Is there something I can do to help?"
The student explained between sobs that there'd been a death in his family and he was very sad.
Checking his watch, the lawyer said, "I have a half-hour before my class begins. If you want to talk about it, I'll be glad to listen."
The law student said he did. So the lawyer sat down and proceeded to listen.
I don't know whether he succeeded in cheering the young man up. He didn't tell me, and that's not the point anyway. The point is this.
After the incident, the lawyer told some other people what had happened and asked if they thought he'd done the right thing. In every case, the answer was no. "You were being intrusive," he was told. "You had no business sticking your nose into someone else's affairs. If that guy wanted help, he could ask for it."
The law professor was shocked. Listening to him, so was I. His story pointed to an obvious conclusion: the Good Samaritan was butting in, being "intrusive." Have we really come to that?
To some extent, it seems we have. Especially in big cities, people are watchful and hesitant about getting involved with strangers — often, it appears, with good reason. Teachers and others who work with children fear so much as to touch a child lest they be suspected of evil intentions. Men hesitate to be agreeable to women lest harassment become an issue. These are litigious times. One false step and you may land in court.
And then there are the reasons for stand-offishness that arise from plain old selfishness and self-absorption, looking out for number one and letting others look out for themselves. Plus the depersonalization that pervades our society like a poison gas, choking off human warmth and feeling. As the title of a much-discussed book put it a few years back, "bowling alone" has become a kind of national sickness.
Whatever explanation or combination of explanations you favor, there's a problem here. I don't have easy solutions to offer, though simply recognizing that the problem exists is a start. Nevertheless something Pope Benedict XVI says in his encyclical Deus Caritas Est -- God Is Love — may help.
Government welfare programs are essential, the Pope remarks. So are the charitable programs of the Church and other private groups. But granting the need for organized charity, "there will never be a situation where the charity of each individual Christian is unnecessary, because in addition to justice man needs, and will always need, love."
I doubt that my Jewish friend has read this encyclical, but apparently he gets the message. It would be great if everybody did. In that case — "what a wonderful world this would be!"
September 7th, 2007 at 1:40 am
It really is amazing how many times our fear of being intrusive, crossing boundaries, etc prevents us from intervening when we should.
September 7th, 2007 at 5:59 am
The problem is that people won't just be themselves.If your conscience tells you that you are not just being nosey then avoid those who would accuse you of such a thing.As a young boy in the 1950's,i can remember hearing a discussion about an elderly couple.The husband was the one who was not in good health,but the neighbours realized they had not seen his wife around on this day and knocked the door.The man,with a struggle,managed to unlock the door for them.They went inside to discover his wife was dead.
I contrast that with today's society,when people can be found dead in their home,not weeks or months,but years after they have died.How was it caught up?Stupid stuff,like a meter reader demanding access to the house after more than a year of not taking an actual reading.
Another case was a man who had been dead for five years and it was only when his money ran out and his bank stopped paying his bills that anything was done.A woman was found dead three years later,only because of a build up of mail.
That's only the stuff that actually gets into the newspapers.
There are people who believe,with some credibility,that familiarity breeds contempt.However,i have never found these people behind the times with the gossip.Privacy seems to apply only to their own business,they don't mind knowing mine.If you do things the right way and try to be the
Good Samaritan,it can get you smeared.I might not be able to change them,but they won't be changing me.The ones who don't like me showing concern will be left to their own devices,but i'll try to laugh off the snub and continue in my own way.
Re."familiarity breeds contempt",i worked in UK Government Departments
before i retired.If i was being nice,i could be made to feel as if my motives were suspect.However,the same people didn't like it when they
tried to suck up to me and found i had to rush off to do some important task.
September 7th, 2007 at 7:04 am
Oh Mr Shaw your article struck a chord with me this morning- we separate ourselves from other people so artificially– why? and then we justify the lines we have drawn-after listening to people at a party last night "diss" a neighboring town–about 30 miles away from this little university- and most of them haven't ever spent anytime in that town– wondering how we can have peace on earth when we can't have peace and respect between little neighboring cities…. even the rudeness and snottieness that happens between people in states that border each other– I woke up this morning with the strains of Petula Clark's song/prayer "Oh Lord we don't need another mountain…what the world needs now is Love sweet Love…"
September 7th, 2007 at 8:33 am
Empathy is a virtue that is sadly lacking in our world. I suppose people can not believe anybody possess it, therefore, they look with suspician at anybody who exhibets that virtue. Further, viewing "empathy" as intrusion allows people to continue their self focused prideful life.
For example, last week my 7 year old said the mom next door was in the hospital for some "neck thing". The way he moved his hand across the neck, I determined she probably hadn't been in an accident. So, I went next door to these new neighbors to offer dinner for the family of five. The dad was shocked since I'm very pregnant and have a large family myself. I also learned that "mom" had a thyroid biopsy to check for cancer! I found out through the kids that "dad" was downsized too! These folks could use gentle empathy which shows the solidarity of the human race, and brings Christ to them thus evangelizing them.
(Ironically other neighbors had approached the "mom" the night before her procedure to complain about stupid, very minor issues. When "mom" said she was about to have surgery the neighbors, without missing a breath, continued with the laundry list of complaints! Yet, the complaining neighbors, who did nothing to help this family, felt good about themselves because they had dicharged their duty in patrolling the neighborhood!)
Love means giving yourself to another. If one feels they haven't been given enough, they'll never give empathy. What's missing in this country is a thankful heart! (but I guess that issue was addressed recently in another article.)
Thank you for reminding us that with rectitude of intention taking the risk of loving is always worth the price of someboy else thinking you're a busybody. As a CE poster always ends her comments, "aim to please God and the Angels…" (St John Vianney)
September 7th, 2007 at 9:21 am
The enemy is constantly trying to pervert the Gifts of the Spirit (Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Generosity, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self-Control) into something that God never intended. For example: Love is lust, Joy is self satisfaction, Peace is momentary material satisfaction, Patience is tolerance, Kindness is something to do to get what I want, Generosity is self promotion, Faithfulness is to be true to thy self, Gentleness is lust or something to do to get what I want, Self-Control is for self ambition. These are examples of how the world, the one who Christ calls the evil one, tries to turn what is Good into what is evil. The media has been a prime tool used by the Devil to do this, but he uses us as individuals also. Many know the true Gifts but others who are not closely connected to the Holy Spirit are easily tricked into accepting the phony “gifts” in place of the real ones. God gives us with the Gifts of the Spirit the tools to give of ourselves as servants to others, the enemy’s counterfeit “gifts” are all about being selfish, getting what we can for self.
September 7th, 2007 at 9:35 am
thanks bkee…
September 7th, 2007 at 9:37 am
I can only say a strong "Amen!" to all the posters above. Thank you, Mr. Shaw, for this great article. As John Donne puts it, "No man is an island, entire of itself…". and as Christians, we are branches of the Vine, members of the Body, commanded by Christ to "love one another as I have loved you." Considering that Jesus died for us, that's a tall order — but He promised He would be with us and sent the Holy Spirit to help us. There's nothing more demoralizing than the thought that one is all alone, but thanks be to God, with Jesus, we're never alone.
September 7th, 2007 at 2:43 pm
This article really struck a chord… Recently in our neighborhood, the Homeowners' Association announced that since there weren't enough complaints about neighbors from neighbors, they would hire someone to drive the area looking for violations so the HOA board could hunt-down people. Then they try to assuage their consciences (?) by having a picnic — which is usually poorly attended. Why? they wonder. It is because HOA's traditionally are established to destroy neighborhoods not to promote neighborhoods. So, if we wish to fight the anti-neighbor ideas that the professor faced, we must move beyond our own comfort zones and approach others. We must also be willing to let quite a few things roll off our backs. Your neighbor's yard isn't your idea of perfection? Try and see the person first. One of the best pieces of advice I've ever read was to do the impulsive act — bake a cake for the new neighbor, see if the boy who crashed his bike is OK, wave and smile at someone who is driving down your street, offer comfort to one who needs it…
September 7th, 2007 at 7:55 pm
TeresaW, I agree…offer comfort to one who needs it…
There are circumstances when people are devastated and we must not hesitate to comfort them. One year ago I accompanied a family member to a courthouse in Orange County Calif. I was waiting near an elevator outside the courtroom when a lady dropped to the floor and began to sob with her face to the floor. People got on and off the elevator and continued on their way. I knelt down and asked I if could help her. She continued to sob. She didn’t speak a word. The woman obviously had received some very bad news in a courtroom. I asked someone to get help from a nearby office. Finally a gentleman appeared and helped the lady to her feet and led her to the nearby office. I hope the situation that caused her such sadness has improved.