Two bright-eyed girls whirled round the dance floor at the Knights of Columbus St. Patrick's Day Party — one a slim and lively eleven year old, the other a dimpled baby. The baby squealed delightedly with each bounce and bump, the deep burbling sounds of a well-entertained nine-month-old. The older girl twirled as if she would never stop, spurred by that irresistible laughter — more musical than music itself.
Watching these two girls — my own daughters Theresa and Eileen — it struck me how unusual a thing it is these days to see sisters a decade apart. My mind wandered back to a time in the almost-forgotten past:
My fiancé and I are leaning over black and white composition books, comparing the answers to questions asked of us at the Cana Conference Retreat. We are completing an exercise meant to ensure we each know the other's plans for married life. The first question reads:
"How many children do you hope to have?"
An optimistic "At least eight" appears in my feminine slant, and in my fiancé's masculine scrawl, "About half a dozen."
We both want a large family. So far, so good.
The next question continues:
"How soon do you want to start a family?"
A confident "Right away" appears plainly in the feminine slant, but this time the masculine scrawl is nowhere to be seen.
What is the meaning of this, I wonder. Aren't we both ready to start a family?
My fiancé looks at me seriously and explains, "I would love to begin a family right away, but my fear is that, years from now, you will remember the career you left behind and feel sorry. I don't ever want you to have any regrets."
"I will never feel that way," I assure him with confidence.
"How do you know?"
"Because I know myself. It would not be possible for me to feel that way."
And that was that.
I woke from my reverie to find my husband motioning something to me, his eyes twinkling meaningfully — our little boy was on the dance floor attempting the "Cotton Eye Joe" in awkward, oversized red snowboots (none of us had noticed his unconventional footwear until we arrived at the party). We laughed as only two parents, united through the Sacrament of Matrimony, but also in infinite love for a child, can laugh. Sitting there at that table, with our children dotting the dance floor like violets in a May meadow, we shared another moment among millions to remember the undeniable Truth of the Catechism: "Children are the supreme gift of marriage and contribute greatly to the good of the parents themselves" (CCC 1652).
And I secretly gloated thinking upon my own prescient words of self-awareness, "It would not be possible for me to feel that way." Indeed, I never have and never will.
Years ago, I remember telling a dear friend and former classmate of mine we were expecting our first child. She responded as our culture has taught her, and, as she heartily believed even without any real life experience, "What a waste!"
Please understand, as I repeat these words, they held no sting for me then or now. I know, in fact, she meant them as a backhanded compliment, a tribute to my "worth." Her sensibilities were steeped in society's pervasive notion that children should be, particularly for the educated woman, an afterthought, best left until prominence, profit and partnership are all checked off the to do list. (Here I am not talking about the many mothers who sacrifice for the good of their families by working outside the home, but those trapped in a spiral of unnecessary ambition, postponing the deepest joys in life.) My heart went out to her in honest sympathy, as I imagined her wearing her youth away, perhaps never tasting the joy I was already feeling just knowing a precious heart was even then beating beneath my own.
And what of that to do list? What price would have been exacted for prominence, profit and partnership?
Prominence would have required my twenties. The children of my twenties were Agnes, Theresa, and Margaret.
Profit would have sought my early thirties. The children of my early thirties were Marie and Patrick.
Partnership's capital investment would have been paid during my late thirties. The children of my late thirties were Catherine and Eileen.
Somehow, I think I would have been working off the wrong list.
Is it any wonder I reaffirm today, but with even greater fervor and emphasis, that promise, spoken all those years ago: "I will never feel that way. It would be impossible for me to feel that way."
But this time, I am uttering a heartfelt Deo Gratias to go along with it.
June 4th, 2007 at 4:34 am
Vrey nice article, however this woman is an Attorney. I would like to see an article like this written from a poor Mother of seven children. I would be different. I understand that children are a blessing from God, however when you scrape by week by week you can only have one or two children, ask the Catholic poor.
June 4th, 2007 at 6:35 am
I have to agree with the author. I am a "poor" mother of seven children. I have a college education, have chosen to stay home with my children because it is the right thing to do. My husband is an engineer who provides well, where he doesn't, God provides! My own personal experience has taught me that it requires letting go and letting God…Trust in Him!
June 4th, 2007 at 8:25 am
Well, "ask the Catholic poor" then: I have a college degree but it did not come easy. I have 5 living children, 2 in heaven and 1 on the way. I come from a farm family of 5 children, my dad was 1 of 15 (my grandmother married a young widower with 5 young children and then they had 10 more). My mom was 1 of 7. Scraping by was success in the Depression but my grandparents never thought of themselves as "poor". They were blessed. It belittles Alice to say that she can't comment unless she's poor. Just because someone is NOT poor doesn't mean they are somehow unable to relate to real life. Generosity is not only a characteristic of the poor.
I'll stop now but Alice's article is a beautiful testimony to the sacrament of marriage and being open to God's will. No matter what career she left behind…
June 4th, 2007 at 8:38 am
I'm expecting my 11th child. My husband is an attorney. We have experienced financial need…we have never made the decision about whether to accept another child based on financial considerations. (for instance, my 3rd child was conceived when my husband was without a job or job securtiy…he's got a great business now, 16 years later. Our 7th child was conceived when we had no vehicle to fit the family and absolutely NO money to afford one. Literally the check to purchase a 15 passenger van fell out of the sky several months before he was born, five days after the minivan had died, and several years after I had begun praying for a 15 passenger van. The van is 7 years old, has 158,000 miles on it, and awaits its newest passenger!) God has always provided.
Of course prudence needs to be exercised in determining family size. However, I have known many large families who were very poor and very happy. I find it offensive to both "rich" and "poor" Catholic families to assert that only the "rich" can afford large families. At some point in my family's history we have survived on 29 cents a pound chicken leg quarters, used reject diapers that were wound with masking tape, slept 5 children to a bedroom, relied on relatives to provide Christmas and birthday presents, and the health department to provide immunizations. It this point my family, through God's mercy, pays for my daughter's college education in cash. ( I homeschool all but one of the rest.) I have no idea what God has planned for my family's financial outlook except that the Divine Will be done. My husband could become disabled or die, his area of law could hit a downturn, his nonsupport of local pro "choice" Catholic politicians could ostracize him from the legal community even further. All of the proceeding events are posibilites that could ruin our apparent financial security of this moment in time. It has been a struggle to learn to live in a time of "plenty" with generosity and without fear.
In a way I do agree with "markpro67", you do need to be rich in order to raise a large family. You must be rich in faith, hope, and love. Period.
Aside from the wealth issue, any good in me has come from the graces received while doing God's Will in raising a large family. I can NEVER return to him the thanksgiving for His mercy in allowing me and my husband to parent eternal souls for Heaven. I can only submit and with his grace conform myself to Christ. Truly children ARE the supreme gift of marriage and contribute greatly to the good of their parents!
June 4th, 2007 at 8:38 am
Married women who possess college educations — let alone professional degrees — cannot seriously place themselves in the same category of poverty as women who raise their children alone, and who have limited means to raise their families.
This article paints some lovely images of the blessings of motherhood. And yes, our vocation does offer many such consolations. There is another side, however, that is not nearly as idyllic … yet it is also a source of grace. In the crucible of motherhood, our worst faults are exposed and (in time, and with effort) healed. In this way, these sticky, vociferous creatures push us closer and closer to heaven, even as we do our best to lead them along.
There is a tendency in Catholic circles to idealize the role of SAHMs. And yet, from the Proverbs 31 woman (who earns enough money to buy real estate) to the accounts of the saints (such as St. Edith Stein, whose own mother ran a lumberyard after her husband's death), the Church is full of women who made/make contributions in the world that extend beyond the four walls of their own home. To categorize such women across the board as selfish, culture-bound creatures (or tragic figures who simply "need the money") is simply untrue and unjustified. Nor are women who do choose to stay home necessarily more virtuous, or more attuned to God's voice. Each of us has a particular load to carry.
May God grant to each of us the patient forebearance to accomplish each day the work He has equipped and called us to do — whether that be balancing the books one day, or making mudpies the next!
Heidi Hess Saxton Editor, "Canticle" Magazine Blogroll
June 4th, 2007 at 8:40 am
PS to the CE editor: where'd you get that picture of the "perfect" Catholic family? I'm sure CCL could email you a file picture….or at least find one from the 1950s were 4 children were considered the "norm" and the "perfect" sized family.
June 4th, 2007 at 9:08 am
Yet another post from me! I frequently hear angry and defensive responses when this topics discussed. The author merely is writing with joy about her experience and makes a value judgement about HER decisions. She's not talking about Edith Stein's mother's situation. She's simply reflecting on how her countercultural choice brought her joy! She also passes on the wisdom of the Magisterium in this passage, "Children are the supreme gift of marriage and contribute greatly to the good of the parents themselves" (CCC 1652).
If somebody else wants to write an article about their response to God's call then go for it!
There are many gifts but one Spirit of truth and love!
June 4th, 2007 at 9:22 am
Scrappping by week to week here, with 8 children and one on the way. No college degree nor professional titles, just a mama, totally dependent on Divine Providence. He has never and will never fail us.
June 4th, 2007 at 9:45 am
Hmm… I thought I just did write about my response, elkabrikir. Sorry if that was unclear. Not angry, just entering the discussion. This is supposed to be an exchange!
Heidi Hess Saxton Editor, "Canticle" Magazine Blogroll
June 4th, 2007 at 9:46 am
This article is reminding me of my baby brother, who was 10mths old at my wedding . I have a picture of him being held by one of my sisters who would have been 12. I remember how much I missed the cute 6 year old sister when I went off to university and how much I've enjoyed the company of the sister 2 years younger throughout the years (best friends forever). And then there are the 2 brothers in the middle, growing up from sister teasing nuisences into fine young men.
I am grateful to my parents for all of my 6 siblings. I am grateful that they didn't let being under the proverty line for much of my youth prevent them. I am also grateful for my 4 children and all of my nieces and nephews.
Emily
BTW I think a good saint for working mothers would be St. Gianna Beretta Molla physican and mother.
June 4th, 2007 at 9:52 am
I just wanted to add to markpro67, please visit my blog, or that of many of those on Alice's blogroll. We are woman with a few children, many children, rich, poor, and inbetween. The one thing we all have in common is this joy that Alice so very eloquently and beautifully shared about our common vocation.
May I ask what being a SAHM or WOHM have to do with this article???
June 4th, 2007 at 12:15 pm
Alice doesn't have internet access right now, but it's worth mentioning that when she originally posted this article on her blog, she included the following passage as an addendum:
"As I post this piece, I want to include a note to make sure it does not have the unintended effect of hurting any women or mothers who work outside the home, particularly those who strive to make a better life for their families. My reflection is meant as an affirmation that children are a greater source of joy and fulfillment than unnecessary ambition."
The post is meant to be a personal reflection on her own choice to give up practicing law when her first child was born, a choice that surprised (and continues to surprise) a lot of her former colleagues. Alice realizes that not every mother has the luxury of making the choice to stay home.
Melissa Wiley, stay-at-home homeschooling mother of five
my author blog
liltinghouse.clubmom.com
June 4th, 2007 at 4:16 pm
I give the author a lot of credit for valuing her role as a stay-at-home mother above the glamour of a career as a lawyer. I also give her credit for acknowledging that not everyone has the choice to be a stay-at-home mother (I wish there was a better term to use!). As someone who longs for a child, it bothers me a lot when women who could afford to stay home choose not to; it is nice to see women who really appreciate their children. That being said, I am the primary breadwinner in my marriage (long story), so if we are ever blessed with a child, I will have to continue working fulltime while my husband cuts back to part-time hours. So I really empathize with women who have no choice but to work outside the home.
June 4th, 2007 at 7:35 pm
Regarding the picture: The editor does not do the imaging and does not know what image is chosen usually until the day the article runs, but your point is well taken and I will ask the graphic artist to change it.
Thanks and blessings,
Mary Kochan, Senior Editor, Catholic Exchange
June 4th, 2007 at 8:13 pm
May I comment from "the far side of the fence"? I married a serviceman 3 days after high school graduation and hoped for a large family (I was an "only"). Our 1st child was born 15 months later. Two miscarriages followed, and our last child was born when her sister was 7. My husband worked hard to support our family so I could stay at home.
One day after our oldest had started kindergarden (and before the last was a twinkle in her daddy's eye), it suddenly occured to me that I'd be all of 36 when she graduated from high school! Thirty-six is just WAY too young to sit in a rocking chair and wait to die.
When our oldest graduated from high school, I went with her to our community college. Granted, I didn't become a doctor or lawyer (or Indian chief, either), but I did earn a 2-yr. degree as a Medical Assistant. I worked for about 5 years before another opportunity presented itself, and I enjoyed my work tremendously. (I also enjoyed that other opportunity.)
The one thing I didn't plan for was becoming old and disabled. But that's another story. My point is that there's enough room in life to do BOTH. It's true that once you are a mother, you're a mother forever. But it's also true that the kids grow up and take less of your time, energy and attention. Rocking chair, anyone?
June 4th, 2007 at 9:27 pm
I appluad the author of this article, I feel sad for some of the responses. Alice is personally reflecting on God's providence in her life, I don't feel she is making personal judgements on anyone else. She is simply sharing our shared Catholic faith….very brave in the culture climate these days!
I would also point out that it is wrong to judge her life just because she has a degree, MANY people have a degree in law who are not rich! Maybe she gives all to the poor, PLEASE don't make assumptions based on intials after someones name!
June 4th, 2007 at 11:17 pm
Let's not forget that there are those who would love to have a large family- and can't. I'm thinking of friends of mine. They both wanted a big family, and after their wedding, we all expected to hear that a little one was on the way in a fairly short time. It didn't happen.
After four years of marriage, they received two daughters- blood sisters, ages 9 and 3, whom they adopted from an orphanage overseas .
Another couple I know spent their 20's and 30's, not pursuing money or prominence, but trying to find the right person to marry. They didn't discover each other until both were in their late thirties, and they were both about 40 when they married. They now have two little girls, and are hoping for more, but, considering the wife's age and less-than-easy deliveries (she ended up having C-sections), they have to take her health into account.
Small families ? yes. But as generous and open to life as I've ever seen !
June 5th, 2007 at 7:32 am
Mary thanks for then new picture. I hope you took my comment with good humor!
Your faithful CE reader!
June 6th, 2007 at 7:38 am
I met and married my husband shortly after my 30's birthday and during our very brief courtship we also decided that if God blessed us with children I would stay home. The comments from my colleagues started immediately….it must be nice…..you're so lucky…..you'll regret it…..
Now I hear the I'm not better than working moms, as if I ever said I was! Staying home was a conscious decision. It wasn't always easy. I missed my job and we could certainly have used the income. Yet it was our decision and I don't regret it. It doesn't mean I don't work. Like the proverbs woman, I am in charge of our finances and the running of this household.
Thank you for the article, Alice, I also enjoy watching my oldest with my youngest
June 6th, 2007 at 9:37 am
I, like Alice, enjoy immensely seeing my oldest and youngest children interact. They are 17 years apart! We also share in our gratefulness to God that we were able to have many children over a span of a decade or two, never forgetting that not all who are open to many children become parents of many!
I encourage Ms. Hess Saxton to read the article again because she missed the point with this remark, "To categorize such women across the board as selfish, culture-bound creatures (or tragic figures who simply "need the money") is simply untrue and unjustified." It is untrue and unjustified, however, I didn't read that in this article. In one fell swoop, Alice is critised for her reaction to a friend's statement and her understanding of women who do work outside the home! She simply relayed the friend's comment and her opinion on what prompted the remark. Alice said, "She responded as our culture has taught her…, "What a waste!"
… she meant them as a … compliment, a tribute to my "worth." …. society's pervasive notion that children should be, …., best left until prominence, profit and partnership are all checked off the to do list. (…I am not talking about the many mothers who sacrifice for the good of their families by working outside the home, but those trapped in a spiral of unnecessary ambition, postponing the deepest joys in life.)"
Unlike Alice, I don't have a college degree <g>. I've never felt judged by Alice for that and I do have the perspective that society judges women with degrees who choose to stay home more harshly than those who are believed incapable of having a career anyway. Society has deccreed that college educated women's contributions from within their homes are not as valuable as the contributions they could make outside of their homes.
Especially considering the struggles Ms. Hess Saxton so accurately describes, "In the crucible of motherhood, our worst faults are exposed and (in time, and with effort) healed," one would think Ms. Hess Saxon would appreciate exactly the enormity of the decision to stay home with children, be it one or many!
As for the Proverbs 31 woman, it is entirely plausible to hold her up as a true example of a stay at home mother unless one is as narrowed minded as to believe SAHMs actually never venture out of the confines of their own homes! Many mothers who don't have a career outside the home are in charge of the household finances, even making investment and re-investment decisions! As for securing provisions from afar? Internet shopping fits that bill precisely!
Yes, this article presented an idyllic painting, as is proper for a description of an event at a party and the point of the article.
God Bless!
Sabine
SAHM to seven ages 17, 15, 13, 10, 7, 3, and 5 months
June 7th, 2007 at 12:58 am
I'm so glad to see that Melissa Wiley posted Alice Gunther's original addendum to this article. This is such a lovely piece about the beauty of children, who are always and everywhere a blessing — a beautiful personal reflection.
Karen Edmisten
http://karenedmisten.blogspot.com