In a manner reminiscent of Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might be a Redneck if…" I've come up with my own list.

You might want to reassess your Catholicism if:

You think the Rosary is a cute thing that old ladies do.

You'd sing louder in church, but you prefer Ted Nugent songs.

You've recently made an aggressive and obscene gesture to a 90-year-old lady while leaving the parking lot after Mass.

You don't like saint veneration because it's elitist.

You wish there were more Hindu saints.

You've ever asked, "Weekday Masses? What for?"

You don't own a breviary, don't want a breviary, and don't know what a breviary is.

You thought for sure that Vatican II legitimized fornication for people really, really, really in love.

You'd go to Mass every week, if it took place on a weekday and your boss would give you the time off with pay.

You think the Bible is too exclusionary.

You think one of the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit is a short Sunday Mass.

You think the Twelve Fruits of the Holy Spirit should be expanded to include "feelin' mellow."

You thought the virtue of obedience was outlawed after the Civil War.

You think the priest scandals were bad, but nothing compared to Pius XII's anti-Semitism.

You think sodomy is a fundamental right (and not just in prison).

You sorta feel like abortion is murder but don't, you know, want to tell a woman what to do with her body.

You're afraid of voting Catholic principles because you might be subject to a Section 1983 civil rights claim for violating the First Amendment.

You refuse to fast, but you like to diet.

You fast because the weight loss makes you sexier.

You're not sure which came first, Catholicism or Scientology.

You're not sure if, once you strip away all the stupid nuances and language games, there's really an essential difference between Catholicism and Buddhism.

You'd rather drink yourself silly on Christmas Eve than attend the midnight Mass.

You drink yourself silly on Christmas Eve and then attend the midnight Mass.

You don't like Easter because your parents expect you to go to church.

You think Good Friday is good because you get off work at noon.

You'd rather be seen with a hooker than seen coming out of a confessional.

You stopped your religious studies at your Confirmation because you pretty much had it all figured out at that point.

You think that foreigners who wear funny hats have a lot of nerve trying to tell us Americans what's right and wrong.

You can't for the life of you figure out why the Vatican hasn't considered JFK for canonization.

You don't really accept that "of Obligation" part of "Holy Days of Obligation."

You'd go to Mass more often, if they served better food.

You scour the Yellow pages looking for a Catholic Church with a good female priest.

You enjoy Catholicism, but you feel awkward holding hands with your same-sex partner while walking into church.

You read this list and don't get it.